Archive for interracial dating

Why Educated Black Men Won’t Settle Down

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , , , on June 27, 2010 by theninjaparade

…they are extremely arrogant and definitely aware of their self-worth.

Those are the words of a black woman who loves black men, commenting on educated black men. It was in no way a “man bash”, only an observation about trends amongst educated black men that she knows. Does she proclaim that ALL educated brothas are like this? Nope. But is that attitude (and others) prevalent among the accomplished masses? Damn right. [NOTE: I chose a picture of President Obama and First Lady Obama because they have become the new “gold standard” for progressive black romance…and also the very thing that many educated black men appear to be uninterested in.]

Just last week, a female that I hold in very high regard echoed the same idea. She has grown tired of all of the articles on “why can’t black women find a man” articles on the internet and tv. She pointed out that all this negative press about black women reflects an attitude on the streets (amongst many men) that sistas are clueless, and therefor hopeless when it comes to men and dating. And, most importantly, that it’s always the black woman’s shortcomings that appear to be put on blast. She’s either: not submissive, too opinionated, self-entitled, domineering, selfish, hypocritical, too much baggage, too many kids, unsupportive, opportunistic…or just a flat out mean-spirited b1tch, etc. I’ve heard it all before.

I‘m not here to confirm or deny any of those claims, in fact, this post isn’t even really about black women. It’s about us…the “educated” black men of a neighborhood near you. For the sake of conversation we’ll define “educated” as:
– at least a Bachelors degree
– gainfully employed
– above average earning [NOTE: not earning potential…but actually earning]
– under the age of 35
– heterosexual
– single (not “separated” or “we’re about to get a divorce” but for real single and not legally tied to any woman)

Admittedly, this represents a pretty small group…when you look at the entire picture, but there are literally hundreds of thousands of these men walking the streets. For all practical intents and purposes this group is the male version of the “typical” female who is depicted in the “why can’t she find a man” articles. I did a rather un-scientific survey of about 110 females that I know; simply asking what are some stereotypes of educated single black men and why they’re still single. The response was swift and surprisingly pretty limited. The same 4-5 things KEPT coming up. And upon follow-up, women weren’t really sharing stereotypes, they were sharing their own struggles trying to find/date a “good” guy.

Here’s what I found:

1– Numbers. Let’s get the obvious shit out the way first, there are waaaaaay more sistas that have themselves together than men. There may be a lot of reasons for this: raising our daughters to not trust/depend on black men, cats getting caught up on the criminal justice system early, ignorance, poverty, the list goes on. All I know is, I went to a Historically Black University and there were WAAAAY more women than men. Parlay that into corporate America and we see brothas who know full well that if they weren’t a doctor/engineer/lawyer/manager/preacher/educator/Indian chief/whatever, that they wouldn’t have NO HEAUX…none! The numbers are in our favor and we know it. Crazy thing is, it’s still kinda only the Top 25% of educated brothas that get all the women anyway…which further frustrates the situation if women want a guy to be educated AND attractive. So educated brothas have minimal motivation to settle down because the pool of women is so large.

2– Arrogance. This is very closely related to, if not rooted in, point 1. It’s so easy to start smelling yo own piss with a couple degrees in hand and some money in your pocket [NOTE: especially if you *juvenile voice* ain’t nevvvaa haaadd shit]. Not to mention, we’re often riding the wave of sexual conquest from college and our early 20’s…so a guy can have the affirmation of being successful, having plenty of heaux, and KNOWING that he can continue at this pace until he dies. Knowing those things, makes a man arrogant. And arrogance, by itself, isn’t why men don’t settle down or what to settle down…quite the contrary, arrogance is what’ll make a good woman stop fucking wit a nigga all-together. As thirsty and aggressive as some sistas are to get married, there are some things that even THEY won’t put up with. And arrogance is a violation that get’s tired real quick. Shiiiiiit, a cheater will get a pass before an arrogant nigga…at least you don’t have to see/hear the cheating everyday, but you are always confronted with a man reminding you of who he is, what he has, where he’s been, and what he’s done.

3- Sexual Prowess. Smart people are freaky. Sex is a stress reliever. Add those two statements together and you potentially have a sexual hurricane on your hands. I’ve noticed in my own dating of women from all backgrounds that those who are less educated, tend to have had fewer sexual partners and fewer “erotic” sexual tendencies than those who are extra-educated (they just some freaks). When I listen to my male friends talk, the ones who aren’t as educated have had fewer partners and experiences than the ones with education. And for men, sexual conquest sets the tone for his sexual appetite. A lot of educated brothas I know travel a lot, work out a lot, read a lot, and have a LOT of sex. That can be intimidating for some women to even be with a man who has miles like that. And he may think that one woman couldn’t possibly satisfy him because he’s so used to sexual conquest in different social circles, cities, states, and even countries. Some niggas really are dogs.

4- Schedule. Being successful, in just about anything, is time consuming. The more money is at stake the more the investment of time will have to be. Add to that a lot of brothas who are out pursuing their dreams believe that we have to be twice as good as our white counterparts to succeed. That takes time. I know guys that have devoted their whole 20’s in pursuit of their dreams, taking very little time to do things like date or be in love. Ironically, our drive and focus is a turn on to most women…but they soon realize that’s just a detached fantasy and that he’ll probably be more in love with his dreams/goals than he is with his woman. Not every sista is down to take a backseat to a man’s career aspirations. The second part to this scenario is when he “arrives”, or reaches the first set of big goals that he had for himself. The natural reaction is to “live it up”…enjoy the money, status, prestige, and women/sex that come with all of his hard work. I mean, what’s the point of devoting 7+ years of post-high school education and/or climbing the ladder if you can’t enjoy all the new pu$$y and money that comes with it? A LOT of brothas feel this way. Quiet is kept, this is why half of them grind so hard and put in so many long hours.

5- Keepin’ it Real. To be honest, I was actually surprised at how many times this came up in the feedback I got from women. I’m not going to go into how there’s no concrete “black experience” and that black people are complex, with many varied experiences, classes, and values…but I will concede that there is a dominant “experience” and THAT is very much located in “the hood”. The hood isn’t entirely ghetto, but does carry many of the themes and midsets of poverty and “the struggle”. A lot of guys, as they progress in their careers, do loose touch with where they came from (which is presumably, but not always, the hood). Loosing touch is a babystep away from frontin’, and frontin’ is time consuming and expensive. Especially if you frontin’ for some new muthafukas. With that level of frontin’ going on, dude may not have time to date or authentically get to know someone because he’s too busy keeping up with his new surroundings and he damn sure doesn’t wanna be seen with no “around the way” girl.

*6- White Women. Yeah I said it. I had to put an asterisk next to it because: although marrying/dating a white woman isn’t really a reason “why educated black men won’t settle down”…it is seen as problematic in the eyes of many as to why so many black on black unions never happen. There is a perception that the more educated black men tend to date outside of their race (or are more likely to date outside) than less educated black men, and for that matter black woman period. This is probably true, or at least has some truth to it. Although I’m not sure there’s that huge of a spike of “educated” vs. non-educated brothas, in terms of dating outside their race…it just seems like it kills morale when a super-successful black dude marries a white woman, given that there are so relatively few super-successful black dudes. [NOTE: nobody really cares if a broke nigga ends up with a white woman] And the media, especially media geared towards black women, doesn’t help this at all. The successful black man leaves the faithful black woman who’s supporting him since he was broke as hell for…a white woman, is a all too common theme in movies and music. The reality is, the closer a man get’s to the top, the more exposure to white people he’ll probably have. Long hours at the office can lead to romance…I’m just sayin.

So there, that’s just a mini-summary of the feedback I got.  I’m sure there’s more to discuss.