Archive for ghetto

The “Moscato-ization” of Black America

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on July 7, 2010 by theninjaparade


I’m all about my people doing/trying/experiencing new things, but can we please not take shortcuts to “class”.  I won’t bore you with a concise history of wine or the finer points of wine etiquette.  Nope.  That’s not what I’m here for today, I’m here to point out a larger trend in the community so that maybe…just maybe our actions can match our intentions.

Here’s what I’m tombout.  I’ll be using the massive consumption and flagrant misappropriation Moscato wine, it has become one of the Ghettoest Things In America (if you missed my previous blog) to point out the trend.  We’ll identify the key players in the fuckery and how they operate.

How did we get this far?  No, seriously.  How did we get THIS far?  How did we manage to make the consumption of dessert wine hood?  Here’s why we should rethink our whole approach to wine.

1- Consider the Source.  Rappers.  Yes, rappers.  Don’t lie.  And not just any rapper…Drake!  Dude is a dope MC, but you taking wine advice from him too??  Keep in mind, this is the same cat that asked “who the fuck are ya’ll” after a year…when really, we didn’t know who the fuck he was a year ago.  So, more to my point, is *Drake voice* “who the fuck are yoooou?”, and why/how are you qualified to offer me wine advice?  I get it though.  Drake didn’t necessarily intend to start a ground-swell of Moscato consumption…but somewhere between being the best you ever had and being more than just an option…it “just happened”.  I see, kinda like your first and second children…they “just happened”.  No they didn’t! Quit listening to these damn rappers.

2- Hood Niggas. It’s common in American society that people are constantly attempting to advance in class, better themselves, and become more well-rounded.  That being said, hood niggas do the least amount of research in their assent to the top.  Part of growth, in anything, is change.  Naaaaaw, but not to the hood niggas (and by hood niggas, I mean females primarily in the case of Moscato wine) they attempt to be grown in taste/class yet maintain the same form/habits as before you tried it.  Quit being so damned impressionable, or at least, if you’re gonna try something, Google that shit first.  If I see one mo nigga drinking Moscato out of a kool-aid glass, with some Harold’s Chicken, or worse yet…directly out the bottle (yes, I have seen that)…I’mma scream. And please note, being in the club (especially) with liquid leggings on, booty shorts, extra short/tight skirts, titties hanging allllll the way out, tats on your neck/feet/lower back, piercings on your face, 27 piece weaves, and/or lacefronts DOES NOT…I repeat DOES NOT get “forgiven” because you have a damn glass of Moscato in yo hand.  Nope.  You just effectively made the Moscato yet another hood accessory.  NuVo anyone?

3- Smarty Art Niggas. I KNOW you niggas weren’t sitting here snickering at this blog and thinking YOU were gonna get a pass??  Nah son.  Your good grammar and button-up won’t get you outta this one.  See, you niggas know better.  First of all, you was hip on Drake before the hood…admit it (strike one).  Second, you niggas AT LEAST know the Basics of Wine …and you let yo cousins and nem get sent all the way off getting tipsy off that bulllshyt; or worse yet…you get invited over to they crib and only bring Moscato because you figure “that’s all them niggas gonna drank anyway” (strike two).  You ain’t shit.  Be a beacon of light my nigga…didn’t they teach you that in college? Lastly, the “educated black man”.  *sigh* We all know that there is a large portion of educated brothas that like hood chicks…admit it.  *author raises hand*  There’s nothing wrong with this, but again, try to be a beacon of light my nigga.  ALL women love a man that can show them new things…be that dude.  But nope, she done found a sitter and has decided to cook for you…ta hell with an appropriate wine paring with the dish, you bring Moscato.  SMH

But wait….Moscato wine isn’t the first  thing to be “Moscato-ized” in the hood.  Oh no.  And ironically, it’s the same key perpetrators (rappers/entertainers, hood niggas, smarty art niggas) who make it happen.  Here are some of your previously “Moscato-ized” favorites.

  • Expensive Liquor: Nah, I’m not tombout Hennessey Privilege either.  I’m talking about expensive champagnes like Moet and Cristal; expensive cognacs like Louis XIV (you got every drug dealer in America taking money away from their precious rims and overpriced chains to drink this shit).
  • Facebook: You used to need a verifiable university email account to establish a Facebook account…ohhhh how the mighty have fallen.  Now it’s just babydaddy diss tracks, lewd pictures, and bible verses (only on Sunday of course)
  • Social Commentary: This one’s a little bit tricky, because there have always been outlets for social commentary; namely art, music/poetry and literature.  But the internet has opened the flood-gates for any damn body to vent.  The most popular trend is the spreading of the “Conspiracy Theory“.  I mean, if I hear one mo nigga is illuminati…imma, nevermind…they probably watching.  [Note: I know you’re probably thinking, “well El Jugo is a part of this whole social commentary Moscato-ization”?  Yep.  But I never said I wasn’t ghetto.  *shrug*]
  • High Fashion:  Now you niggas know you’re wrong for the flagrant abuse of Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and Burberry, etc.  Not only do I blame rappers for dangling these fruits in front of your faces, thus enticing you to want to do it.  I also blame the traditional “high fashion” hoods of : New York, Detroit, and Atlanta for being trendsetters in the bastardizing of designer clothes.  SMH
  • All White Parties: Maaaaaaaan, damn.  All White Parties started out as elegant fundraising events for the social elite.  They were held at posh locations in The Hamptons, South Beach Miami, The Playboy Mansion, etc, and hundreds of thousands, if not millions of dollars were raised for charity…now promoters will slick try to throw a white party at Hooters to pay his car not.  GTFOH.  This is become synonymous with ghetto.

I could go on for days, but you get the point….

~El Jugo

PS: Trying new things is good, but if you’re not sure….Google that shit.


The 7 Ghettoest Things in America

Posted in Global Ninja with tags , , , , , on June 28, 2010 by theninjaparade

One of my fellow bloggers challenged me to name the ghettoest things in America.  It has taken me almost 2 whole days because I can’t stop laughing long enough to get it done.

But alas, here we are.

7. “Flip Flop”/Chameleon Paint: Yes, people still do this. Yes, it’s still just as ghetto as it was the first time you saw it. Flip-Flop paint is extra ghetto because there’s really no way to tastefully do it. I intentionally left rims off the list because rims are becoming “mainstream” now, with most automakers offering factory chrome rims right off the lot now. But there’s no way in the fu*k you can pull up to your job in a suburban office (doing ANYTHING) and not attract negative attention from a) your supervisor, b) local law enforcement. Sorry.

6. Lace Front Wigs & The Infamous “27 Piece”: Lace Fronts and 27 Pieces, by themselves, are not ghetto and have been used for some time to enhance the appearance of women all over the country. It is the ABUSE of Lace Front Wigs and 27 Pieces that makes them flagrantly ghetto. Sweet Jesus…I’ve seen 27 Pieces that looked like football helmets and Lace Fronts that give women a hair line like a Cabbage Patch kid. Stop it ladies.

5. Wine Black ‘n Milds. Wine Blacks are ghetto and you know it! First of all, only ghetto niggas and even more ghetto white folk even smoke them. Secondly, you can kinda only find them in the hood. I’ve been to many a location that only sells regular blacks (which are ghetto, but not as much). [Note: if you still “freak” blacks, or even loosen them up so that about a quarter inch of tobacco remains in the wrapper…you are the epitome of ghetto]

(since we’re on the subject of wine)

4. Moscato. Yeah you nigga. It’s your fault. Rappers (of all people) can find a way to make just about anything ghetto. But wine? Really? I’m all for my people stepping out and trying something new, but the method & frequency of cunsumption is what has turned the delicately flavored sweet wine into a ghetto favorite. Hell, it might as well be sold in 40oz bottles with twist off tops…wait a minute. Nevermind. This shit is ghetto.

3. Facebook.  I love Facebook, recently I defected to twitter because it allowed me to post even more random things than I already do (@DPdaJuice), but “the Book” is a source of constant hood hilarity.  Everything from flagrantly misspelled professions of love…to ALL CAPS “hit em up” diss tracks to a babydaddy can be found on a typical Facebook screen.  Not to mention my Monday morning ritual of looking at club pics from the weekend before…classic.  I remember, back in the day, when only a verifiable college student email address could open an account…ooooh how the mighty have fallen.

2. Dashes, Hyphens, and the Bastardization of “African” and “French” names. *sigh* C’mon son.  We’ve got to do better.  I know we have an African American President, but that does not, I repeat, DOES NOT equal living in a post racial society. In short, racism is alive an well.  And yes, people (usually people who decide who get jobs/resources) do judge based off names.  If you want your child to be unique, try spending time with them, developing unique interests/talents, and encouraging them…a unique name, in many cases, just means them being unfairly judged.  It ain’t right…but it’s real.  I have seen it with my own eyes.  And before you go and list: Oprah, Barack, etc…please be cognizant of their resumes and tenacity to get to the top, and also aware that even though they’ve “made it” their journey could’ve been that much easier had they been named otherwise.

1. Facial tattoos (and others).  Nothing says “Don’t hire me” like a tat on the face.  Nothing.  And by face, I also include neck.  Again, we live in a society where people are judged on many levels, usually appearance is the first filter.  I have several tattoos and fraternity brands, but I didn’t get one that was visible while I was fully clothed until I was working on my masters and had years of experience in corporate America.  Add to that: even on a social tip, people tend to judge.  The infamous lower-back  (commonly referred to as the “tramp stamp”) tattoo usually triggers the word “slut” in the mind of most men.  Kinda like how a tongue ring triggers “good head”.  Knowing this, you almost have to accept the unfair judgments that come with the territory.

***Honorable Mention: Gold Teeth….for obvious reasons.