Archive for dating

Put a Ring on it, 2.5: Why You Should STFU

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , , on July 5, 2010 by klkenned

Dear Ladies

I said:
STFU. I think this is pretty self explanatory. There’s no science to shutting up. He’s not listening to you because if he had to listen to you every time you opened your mouth, he could NEVER DO ANYTHING ELSE. STFU.

And my readers said:

Particularly disgusting is the advice a woman sucking one’s way to a wedding ring. This will not guarantee a thing except maybe some STDs in a highly visible area.
Keeping silent as a war tactic to deceive a guy will only lead him to not knowing who you really are, and it also demeans him to the role of an enemy… not the kind to avoid, but the kind to lay a trap for and feed off of like a parasite. Way to go… Our nonstop war mentality has invaded our hearts and our bedrooms, and with the advice in this post, I see no peace
. – K.I.T.

her married man is probably creeping with one of the single women because he enjoys her conversation…. LOL!!!!!
– H.R.

Otherwise, it sounds like another bird-ass married bitch (and I do mean bitch) giving advice about somewhere people are different. Fuck her. AND
I’m tired of simple bitches like this author
– J.W., the only male who had something negative to “contribute”

Does she even love her husband? – anonymous

I know plenty of women who follow these rules and get beat, cheated on, etc. So I’d like to respectfully FOH with this shit… I am one of those women that don’t STFU and decided to have a career… I’m not one of those women willing to settle for some guy for the sake of having a ring on it. Much less some guy that thinks my place is to have his dick in my mouth and STFU. I’m good on that. I’m looking for a partner not a master… – D.R.

I will not bother to address the head issue. Fact: If you do not give head, you are obsolete. Period. I don’t think there’s much to debate. If you think giving head is “disgusting” then you probably don’t have a very enjoyable sex life, married or not. And if you think that’s gross, you wanna hear something that’s REALLY gross? There is NO PART of my husband’s body I will NOT put in my mouth. Isn’t that disgusting? Ha ha!

Nor will I address concerns about the state of my marriage or being called a bird or a bitch because I understand that people feel comfortable under the relative guise of anonymity the internet provides to say the kind of shit that would, in real life, get you slapped. And that’s okay. I don’t do it, but I understand why others would. Moving on…

I would like to address STFU.

I abbreviated many of the comments to show you the most childish parts, but the gist of them go something like this:

WHO are YOU to tell ME that I need to STFU? I have earned (insert what they consider to be impressive credentials) and you are promoting (insert some misguided historical and/or misogynistic perspective here) and not only that but lemme tell you WHY I don’t get what you are really trying to tell me, BITCH.

First lemme say, ya mama’s a bitch…Yeah I said it.

Second, let me help you out.  Faux feminists kill me. You took one class in women’s studies in undergrad and now you can’t stand the idea that a man may think he’s better at you at something – ANYTHING. I hate to break it to you but guess what? Many of them ARE better than you at many things, and if that means hiring a male fireman who can carry my fat ass out of a burning building instead of a female who CAN’T (cause, as previously stated, I’m fat) then dammit, ladies, get in the unemployment line cause I’m not getting any thinner. But that point is neither here nor there because its.not.even.relevant. You brought up historical perspective on shit that doesn’t even need a historical perspective. STFU is something that applies to ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE.

ALL of them.

Some of you have taken to heart the fact that I was speaking to women in regard to men. “way to bring back antiquated perspectives. Way to set us back 100 years, BITCH.” You’re gonna get sick of calling me a bitch. . . Yet NONE OF YOU seemed to think shutting the fuck up was a bad idea when it came to the men. When I told guys to shut up, women were like, hell.yeah. Even those who were like, “fuck her.” I’m talking to YOU, J.W.. . . So why is that, you demanders of equal rights for women? WHERE was your historical perspective then? There was none. WHY? Cause it didn’t apply. Why didn’t it apply? Because it wasn’t relevant. I directed my first note to the ladies because I honestly believe we are the superior sex. My delivery wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine because a.) I’m not Oprah – I keeps it real and b.) I know we can do better. We are NOT the nagging, chicken head heauxs they make us out to be. Our contributions are just as valuable as any man’s, but aren’t recognized because we spend so much time talking about absolutely.nothing.

It’s a universally applicable and clearly (per receipt of my comments above) very rarely applied concept. I chose the romantic relationship aspect to which to apply it because that was the particular topic I chose to discuss. If I were talking about raising your kids, dealing with a problem with your best friends, or how to deal with your in-laws (whoops! You’d have to be married to have those – nevermind), or how to land that promotion in the career for which you have chosen above fostering healthy relationships, the bullet STFU would STILL.BE.THERE…

So let me take a moment to explain WHY.

There are clearly, as demonstrated by the comments above, many people who have lead lives so unexamined and lacking in introspection that they cannot ever think of a time where they should have just STFU. There is not one debate, not one blog uncommented on, not ONE argument that could have been avoided if they had just chosen to NOT say anything at all. “STFU!? You mean there is a time where someone just gets sick of me expressing my thoughtless, biased, and often uneducated opinion?” YES. “What do you mean people get embarrassed when I come around or that people get physically ill at the sound of my voice?” YES!!! Those of you who think I am just making shit up, ASK your significant other. Ask him, ladies and my one male in opposition, if there was EVER a time where he wished you would just STFU. That one time you got put out of the restaurant for talking bad to your waitress? How about that time you called his sister a crackhead? No? Don’t think you shoulda shut up then?

You do. You can think of 100 times where you thought, I probably shouldn’t have said that. So WHY doesn’t that apply to the person who means the most to you? Why doesn’t that person make you want to please them? And why do you think pleasing that person means you have to stifle your very being or do something “disgusting” to them? IS your very being your ability to run your mouth incessantly? If shutting up means you now consider yourself to be “someone else,” or “being false” then you are clearly more about talking about it then being about it anyway, and my blog was for the doers, not the shit talkers. Don’t let your strong black womanhood get in the way of experiencing love as it should be, between two people who care enough about each other to compromise and make sacrifices. It’s not about you bowing down to anything. Its about knowing when battles are better fought with your mouth…or with your *mouth* (Ha! Get it?! It’s about shutting up AND giving head!) FYI, these questions are not meant to be answered in the comments section of this blog. You need to answer these questions for yourselves, blog haters.

So before you go making comments about shit you don’t know about, let me tell you a little about me: My parents were married for 37 years before my father dropped dead on a tennis court on 05. My mother still considers herself to be married. I have been married for 3 years now. We were together 2 years before we got married and before you go talking shit about our tenure together, lemme tell you that just because you’ve been together 10 years, doesn’t mean your relationship is awesome…and you STILL ain’t married. I am married to a short, really cute, brown skinned alpha man who often gets mistaken for a Dominican cause he has straight hair. I think he’s the bee’s knees, and if you’ve ever met him, you do, too.

I had a baby at 19. I then went on to complete 3 degrees (1b, 2 m). This will be the ONLY TIME you will ever hear me say that because I hate people who constantly berate me with their rags to riches stories and fancy degrees. Fuck you, I got 3 of ‘em WITH a baby. Boo-ya. As a result, I have a really sweet job where I get a lot of money, to do work that is not super hard, and I can wear whatever I want to work. Private sector rocks!

And if the above isn’t reason enough to get like me, here’s the piece de resistance:

You know what I miss about single motherhood? NOTHING. There is nothing glamorous about deciding to reproduce with someone who doesn’t love you or respect you enough to marry you or take care of his kids. Been there. Done that. Over it.

Four Words:
Get Like Me, Bitches. (Ha! WHO’S the bitch now?!)

And yes, you can follow me on twitter…that is, if I accept your follow request. *block game proper*


Put a Ring On It, The Sequel: Dear Gentlemen…

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , on June 29, 2010 by klkenned

Dear Gentlemen,

Like I mentioned to the ladies, I am married. I am married to a very happy man who tells me often, “Man, I am so glad I married you.” Want to know why?

Because there are many, many benefits to marriage, one of which is a nice late night sandwich (with lettuce and tomato) after sex. Want some peanut butter crackers while you work on your proposal, Hon? Coming right up! All that wonderful advice I offered to the ladies last time was just for the audition. It gets better when she gets the part.

But how do you get a woman like that? “How do I-I-I get a woman who cooks, and cleans, and lets me watch the game with my friends without trying to talk to me about what she read on Bossip today? How can I find a girl who does things that make my toes curl and does so without saying shit like “This tastes funny” *mood killer*?” Let me help you out. There are some misconceptions and preconceived notions about women – things that have even led you to believe that you, boys, are the superior sex. I will not mock you or throw stones at your ignorance, but I will let you in on a few secrets that will enable you to finally understand why all you seem to deal with are hood rats or those suffering from an acute case of Gabrielle Union Syndrome. Honestly guys, it’s time to step your dating game up. I know plenty of single women who make a lot of money and got a lot of stamps on their passports, but aren’t interested in you because you.are.wack. I know you’re all like, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now, anyway.” But I and the old raggedy pillow you’ve had since 7th grade sleep away camp and hold oh so closely at night in your cold, lonely bed know the truth.
If you know my work, this may look familiar…

  • Read. I’m not saying subscribe to Oprah magazine, or start hosting book clubs at your house (not a bad idea? WRONG – lots of educated ladies, lots of really boring conversation). I’m saying that you need to try to understand the feminine perspective. I recommend something light because I know you all have short attention spans, so start off with something man oriented, yet handy, like Esquire. In fact, if you don’t subscribe to Esquire, then you should stop reading here because you clearly can’t read.
  • Keep a clean house. Are you 30 years old, and still have 1 set of  plaid sheets? Do you still have that raggedy ass leather sofa from undergrad with all kinds of DNA samples in the living room of your moldy smelling apartment? Do you sleep on an air mattress stacked on top of some storage containers because the bed you “ordered” is “on the way?” If the answer is yes, then you, sir, are an undateable (like an untouchable, but based on the reality of the situation instead of some mde up cultural crap) and if you meet a woman who takes note of the above, and proceeds without comment, then SURPRISE! She won’t mind that moldy cheese smell cause she’s a fucking.hood.rat. Period.
  • I have asked the ladies to STFU. However, gentlemen, STFU a.) goes both ways and b.) has to be earned. What I mean by “earned” is that you can’t run off and do stupid shit, and think your girl isn’t supposed to say anything about it. Don’t stroll into the house with lipstick on your collar, blood on your shirt, and one shoe on and say, “I don’t want to talk about it right now,” and wonder why she cussed your ass out.  And really guys, you aren’t fooling anyone with “women gossip, men don’t.” One of the most endearing traits of a dear friend of mine is his refusal to share the intimate details of his encounters with women. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ASS YOU CAN GET IF YOU JUST STFU???  I feel like I need to say that again.


Honestly, I just gave you the keys to the fucking city. Not only do you cut your drama quotient IN HALF but women will look at your cool dismissal of personal inquiries as you being an International Man of Mystery.  AND they will do FREAKY shit to you if they are confident that all your frat brothers aren’t waiting in the living room waiting for you to come out and show them the highlights video. Which leads me to another point – a point that I don’t think I need to mention to the ladies because, as the superior sex, we know better…

  • Watch the company you keep. I know your best friend from the hood (you know, that nigga Craig who sleeps on the sofa?) has hit a rough patch, and you’re just helping him out, but its shady dudes like that you have to watch out for. Not only will his weed smelling, free loading ass hide in the closet and videotape your sexual encounters without your consent, but he will then hit on your girl while you’re in the shower. Don’t act like you don’t know people like this, and I’m telling you now, lose these people. Stat. There is nothing worse than going to a dude’s house and watching some creepy ass spook creep out of the broom closest that’s doubling as your guest bedroom, and slink into the kitchen to a.) see what you look like and b.) take note of where you left your purse so he can steal your identity. He’s not your wingman, he’s your albatross.
  • I said, ladies, get your head game right. I would like to say that tenfold to you clit gnawing, lip sucking coochie monsters out there. WHO told you my vagina + your teeth = a good idea? Do you WANT me to kabong you on the top of your head? Did you see that in a movie and thought it would be a good idea to suck like the antidote is in there? Cause it’s not. . .And speaking of movies, I would like to remind the fellas that porn is fake, so strolling into the bedroom with a bottle of cooking oil cause you saw that shit on Booty Talk #32 isn’t a good idea. What they didn’t show you on Booty Talk was the Monistat Alexxxis had to buy after that scene (ewwww). And NO, you can’t shoot jizz on my chin, forehead, or the back of my knee. Stop it. Really, you just need to be happy to be here, and get out of here with that weirdo porn shit. Oh and that whole, “its not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” shit is just a little something we say to make you feel better. Sorry.
  • Guys, be a man. Not an asshole, a douche bag, a deadbeat, a drunk, a loser, or on that little boy shit. I don’t need to state that you should take care of your kids, be respectful, blah blah blah. However, I DO need to state that if you think making people feel less by being condescending is the best way to have fun, than your dick is smaller than you’d like to think it is. Much, much smaller.  If you think fighting in the club is still cool, then you deserve to be with that ride or die hood rat chick who will fight right along beside you. You go ahead and be The Old Nigga in the Club, and I’ll be at home, criminal case free, making a sandwich for my criminal case pending-free husband.

And while I’m talkin shit, lemme just add that women aren’t the only one with daddy issues. That nigga didn’t love you either, and now you’re running around here talking about “you don’t love no heauxs.” REALLY? You and I both know that all you want is someone to love your ashy ass. Or maybe your daddy WAS around. And maybe him being around was the best example of how to treat a woman like shit. Either way, you need to get over yourself and realize that just because your daddy didn’t love you don’t mean you should NOT love anyone else.

I hope I’m not coming off too preachy, and I’m not saying, “This is how you find your wife.” These are just a few tips to keep women from posting fucked up videos about your bunk bed on YouTube (take note, Young Money). Cause, like my boy El Jugo said, “Everyone ain’t able.” I’m just saying, it’s time for you to hang up your *I Heart Bustdowns* t-shirt and get like me…

Yours in the Struggle,


Why Educated Black Men Won’t Settle Down

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , , , on June 27, 2010 by theninjaparade

…they are extremely arrogant and definitely aware of their self-worth.

Those are the words of a black woman who loves black men, commenting on educated black men. It was in no way a “man bash”, only an observation about trends amongst educated black men that she knows. Does she proclaim that ALL educated brothas are like this? Nope. But is that attitude (and others) prevalent among the accomplished masses? Damn right. [NOTE: I chose a picture of President Obama and First Lady Obama because they have become the new “gold standard” for progressive black romance…and also the very thing that many educated black men appear to be uninterested in.]

Just last week, a female that I hold in very high regard echoed the same idea. She has grown tired of all of the articles on “why can’t black women find a man” articles on the internet and tv. She pointed out that all this negative press about black women reflects an attitude on the streets (amongst many men) that sistas are clueless, and therefor hopeless when it comes to men and dating. And, most importantly, that it’s always the black woman’s shortcomings that appear to be put on blast. She’s either: not submissive, too opinionated, self-entitled, domineering, selfish, hypocritical, too much baggage, too many kids, unsupportive, opportunistic…or just a flat out mean-spirited b1tch, etc. I’ve heard it all before.

I‘m not here to confirm or deny any of those claims, in fact, this post isn’t even really about black women. It’s about us…the “educated” black men of a neighborhood near you. For the sake of conversation we’ll define “educated” as:
– at least a Bachelors degree
– gainfully employed
– above average earning [NOTE: not earning potential…but actually earning]
– under the age of 35
– heterosexual
– single (not “separated” or “we’re about to get a divorce” but for real single and not legally tied to any woman)

Admittedly, this represents a pretty small group…when you look at the entire picture, but there are literally hundreds of thousands of these men walking the streets. For all practical intents and purposes this group is the male version of the “typical” female who is depicted in the “why can’t she find a man” articles. I did a rather un-scientific survey of about 110 females that I know; simply asking what are some stereotypes of educated single black men and why they’re still single. The response was swift and surprisingly pretty limited. The same 4-5 things KEPT coming up. And upon follow-up, women weren’t really sharing stereotypes, they were sharing their own struggles trying to find/date a “good” guy.

Here’s what I found:

1– Numbers. Let’s get the obvious shit out the way first, there are waaaaaay more sistas that have themselves together than men. There may be a lot of reasons for this: raising our daughters to not trust/depend on black men, cats getting caught up on the criminal justice system early, ignorance, poverty, the list goes on. All I know is, I went to a Historically Black University and there were WAAAAY more women than men. Parlay that into corporate America and we see brothas who know full well that if they weren’t a doctor/engineer/lawyer/manager/preacher/educator/Indian chief/whatever, that they wouldn’t have NO HEAUX…none! The numbers are in our favor and we know it. Crazy thing is, it’s still kinda only the Top 25% of educated brothas that get all the women anyway…which further frustrates the situation if women want a guy to be educated AND attractive. So educated brothas have minimal motivation to settle down because the pool of women is so large.

2– Arrogance. This is very closely related to, if not rooted in, point 1. It’s so easy to start smelling yo own piss with a couple degrees in hand and some money in your pocket [NOTE: especially if you *juvenile voice* ain’t nevvvaa haaadd shit]. Not to mention, we’re often riding the wave of sexual conquest from college and our early 20’s…so a guy can have the affirmation of being successful, having plenty of heaux, and KNOWING that he can continue at this pace until he dies. Knowing those things, makes a man arrogant. And arrogance, by itself, isn’t why men don’t settle down or what to settle down…quite the contrary, arrogance is what’ll make a good woman stop fucking wit a nigga all-together. As thirsty and aggressive as some sistas are to get married, there are some things that even THEY won’t put up with. And arrogance is a violation that get’s tired real quick. Shiiiiiit, a cheater will get a pass before an arrogant nigga…at least you don’t have to see/hear the cheating everyday, but you are always confronted with a man reminding you of who he is, what he has, where he’s been, and what he’s done.

3- Sexual Prowess. Smart people are freaky. Sex is a stress reliever. Add those two statements together and you potentially have a sexual hurricane on your hands. I’ve noticed in my own dating of women from all backgrounds that those who are less educated, tend to have had fewer sexual partners and fewer “erotic” sexual tendencies than those who are extra-educated (they just some freaks). When I listen to my male friends talk, the ones who aren’t as educated have had fewer partners and experiences than the ones with education. And for men, sexual conquest sets the tone for his sexual appetite. A lot of educated brothas I know travel a lot, work out a lot, read a lot, and have a LOT of sex. That can be intimidating for some women to even be with a man who has miles like that. And he may think that one woman couldn’t possibly satisfy him because he’s so used to sexual conquest in different social circles, cities, states, and even countries. Some niggas really are dogs.

4- Schedule. Being successful, in just about anything, is time consuming. The more money is at stake the more the investment of time will have to be. Add to that a lot of brothas who are out pursuing their dreams believe that we have to be twice as good as our white counterparts to succeed. That takes time. I know guys that have devoted their whole 20’s in pursuit of their dreams, taking very little time to do things like date or be in love. Ironically, our drive and focus is a turn on to most women…but they soon realize that’s just a detached fantasy and that he’ll probably be more in love with his dreams/goals than he is with his woman. Not every sista is down to take a backseat to a man’s career aspirations. The second part to this scenario is when he “arrives”, or reaches the first set of big goals that he had for himself. The natural reaction is to “live it up”…enjoy the money, status, prestige, and women/sex that come with all of his hard work. I mean, what’s the point of devoting 7+ years of post-high school education and/or climbing the ladder if you can’t enjoy all the new pu$$y and money that comes with it? A LOT of brothas feel this way. Quiet is kept, this is why half of them grind so hard and put in so many long hours.

5- Keepin’ it Real. To be honest, I was actually surprised at how many times this came up in the feedback I got from women. I’m not going to go into how there’s no concrete “black experience” and that black people are complex, with many varied experiences, classes, and values…but I will concede that there is a dominant “experience” and THAT is very much located in “the hood”. The hood isn’t entirely ghetto, but does carry many of the themes and midsets of poverty and “the struggle”. A lot of guys, as they progress in their careers, do loose touch with where they came from (which is presumably, but not always, the hood). Loosing touch is a babystep away from frontin’, and frontin’ is time consuming and expensive. Especially if you frontin’ for some new muthafukas. With that level of frontin’ going on, dude may not have time to date or authentically get to know someone because he’s too busy keeping up with his new surroundings and he damn sure doesn’t wanna be seen with no “around the way” girl.

*6- White Women. Yeah I said it. I had to put an asterisk next to it because: although marrying/dating a white woman isn’t really a reason “why educated black men won’t settle down”…it is seen as problematic in the eyes of many as to why so many black on black unions never happen. There is a perception that the more educated black men tend to date outside of their race (or are more likely to date outside) than less educated black men, and for that matter black woman period. This is probably true, or at least has some truth to it. Although I’m not sure there’s that huge of a spike of “educated” vs. non-educated brothas, in terms of dating outside their race…it just seems like it kills morale when a super-successful black dude marries a white woman, given that there are so relatively few super-successful black dudes. [NOTE: nobody really cares if a broke nigga ends up with a white woman] And the media, especially media geared towards black women, doesn’t help this at all. The successful black man leaves the faithful black woman who’s supporting him since he was broke as hell for…a white woman, is a all too common theme in movies and music. The reality is, the closer a man get’s to the top, the more exposure to white people he’ll probably have. Long hours at the office can lead to romance…I’m just sayin.

So there, that’s just a mini-summary of the feedback I got.  I’m sure there’s more to discuss.

3 GOOD reasons why YOU have probably never seen a real “DYME” ever: The Phantom Theory

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , , , , , on June 13, 2010 by theninjaparade

“If God done blessed you with a Chrysler 300, be happy you got a Chrysler 300. Quit walkin around here talkin shit tombout it look like a Phantom. NO NIGGA…it look like a Chrysler 300. The fu*ked up shit is, it look like a Phantom…UNTIL A PHANTOM PULLS UP!” – Katt Williams

Men lie. All the time. We lie about how much money we make, our sexual prowess, our criminal backgrounds, the paternity or existence of kids, our intentions, etc. But one of the most flagrant, damaging, and egregious lies is the fallacy of the “Dime” (often spelled Dyme). The Dime is representative of a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10. The idea of the Dime, is that she is the embodiment of flawless female beauty. Nearly perfect in all her physical ways. [Note: “5-Stars”, etc need not apply and don’t necessarily qualify as 10’s…as they are merely a matter of taste, but are duly noted]

Dimes are noted by two key characteristics: 1- Real Dimes TRANSCEND personal taste in women, 2- Real Dimes are literally UNFORGETTABLE.  Doesn’t matter what your preference of women is…a Dime is better.  Much better.  For example: I like women with short hair…but a Dime with long hair is better than the finest female I know with short hair. She just is. I remember seeing my first Dime like it happened at 8:30 this morning…and it was damn near 10 years ago.  Yes, she was THAT cold…no, I will never forget her she’s just that beautiful.

[Note: I know there’s some cat out there that’s gonna talk about personality and all that other intangible BS, but really son? A true Dime can be an idiotic, inconsiderate, complete and total b1tch and you will GET OVER IT. Yes, we are that shallow when it comes to elite beauty.]

And the lies about Dimes usually come from the least likely sources: guys who typically date very attractive women.  There’s a huge difference between a bad chick and a DIME.  Kinda like the difference between a Chrysler 300M and Rolls-Royce Phantom.  The do kinda look alike, but they are CLEARLY not the same, one is obviously of greater quality and prestige.  I don’t care what type of rims and grill you put on that 300M…it will never be a Phantom.

Calling your woman, any woman, a Dime unjustly is a complete violation and actually plays into A) the inflated cost of dating; since you’ve labeled her a “Dime”, now you’ve set yourself up to have to spend more to get with her…nice job dumbass.  B) entitlement; since now you’ve labeled her a “Dime” she feels entitled to demand more simply because so many men have lied and inflated her ego, thus raising the price for the next man when yo lying ass gets cut off…again, nice job dumbass.

I know men will say some pretty off the wall stuff to sleep with a woman.  Hell, I’ve uttered some of the most outlandish shit in the world for the sake of not leaving the club alone…but for the good of all men, I’ve refrained from calling women Dimes.  It’s un-American, and quite frankly an unnecessarily lie.  You can make a woman feel beautiful without lying and telling her she’s flawless.

But, alas…I know some of you will get a case of the “can’t helps its” and continue with this nonsense that only hurts you and all other men.  Allow me to shoot massive holes through your reasoning.

1- You’re Not Rich.  I’m not talking “hood rich” or even “regular: I got money to blow rich with a dope career”…I’m talkin’ “white-man wealthy”.  It’s no secret that the more wealth a man possesses, the more impressive the things around him become.  So to is his selection of women.  Unless you’re a MULTI-millionaire, I doubt VERY VERY VERY VERY seriously you have ANY Dimes in your dating pool. NONE!   Shit, unless you make $350,000 a year (which is around the league minimum in most pro sports) I doubt you even have that many 9’s on deck. I’m sure there are some fine chicks who bring their son into your barbershop to get a haircut…doesn’t make any of them dimes.

2- You Ain’t Been Nowhere. There are upwards of 3.2 Billion women on earth.  That’s a lot.  Not that it would even be possible to see any more than a fraction of those women, even if you had the time and resources to go around the world…but if you haven’t been anywhere but: Mississippi to visit relatives when you were a kid, Vegas for your homeboy’s bachelor party, and maybe ATL…you haven’t really been anywhere.  If you don’t even possess a passport, then you probably don’t have any credibility to even speak on Dimes.

3- Your Network.  VERY attractive women, tend to roll with other very attractive women.  [Note: And by VERY attractive I mean 8+.] So let’s just say you’re not filthy rich, and you aren’t necessarily well-traveled, that doesn’t entirely kill your credibility when it comes to Dimes.  Because aside for the ultra-wealthy, you know who else get’s to see real Rolls-Royce Phantoms?? Valets and really nice, exclusive, hotels/restaurants.  Nope, he’s not rich.  Nope, he ain’t been nowhere either.  But he voluntarily put himself in the place where he can stumble upon a Phantom. But if you spend you’re time at the neighborhood car-wash…you’re gonna see a lot of 300M’s (and I could see how seeing so many, all shined up, glistening in the sun would be impressive…but that doesn’t make them Phantoms).  If you don’t habitually date, kick it with, or are cool with SEVERAL women who are ridiculously beautiful…the odds of you even seeing a real Dime are astronomically slim.

Let’s recap: you earn a solid living, but you’re not rich…you’ve been to Miami, but not San Juan…annnnnnd the finest chick in your circle is a 7.75.  Nah son, never even speak on Dimes again until you either hit the lotto, get several more passport stamps, or catch some 8.5 down on her luck.  For the record: in almost 30 years I have only seen 3 Dimes (really 2.5, but I think I may have been a little impaired by island rum and I’m offering the benefit of the doubt).

So stop it already with the unnecessary lies and pressure that we put on women (especially young women).  Study beautiful females, know the things that make them attractive so you can appreciate that Dime if you ever see one.

Are there anymore reasons why proclaiming Dimes should carry criminal charges unless a man can prove he’s actually seen a dime??? (comment below)

“Friendly Kissing” for Dummies: The 6 Principles

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , , , on June 12, 2010 by theninjaparade

I have a proclivity to kiss random women; this is called “friendly-kissing” and this is my story.

Friendly-kissing is just what I do. In fact, there may be a slight chance that if you’re reading this…you and I have actually friendly-kissed.  I’m not really sure when I started and it really wasn’t until Jobevito gave it a name in Chicago over dinner that I even realized it had a name. I guess I had heard about friendly-kissing before, but never really put much thought into the idea that I am, in fact, a friendly-kisser. I see nothing wrong with sharing a passionate kiss with an old female friend or a new woman you just met.

I’m an exceptionally random person, so it only makes sense that I’m a friendly-kisser: because friendly-kissing is about randomness.  I’ve kissed women in basement parties, at wedding receptions, during New Years Eve parties, after church, at work, while dressed up as Julius Caesar drunk out of my mind, in the back seat of cars, at a Robin Thicke concert, during a couple parades, and dozens of other random places.  I have effectively friendly-kissed in 11 different states and 4 different countries.  Like I said, this is what I do.

Opinions vary slightly on what exactly constitutes a friendly-kiss, but make no mistake…we are all on one accord when it comes to kissing random women that we have no immediate intention of romancing any further than that point.  A lot of people hold kissing to be something very intimate and passionate, a key that unlocks the heart and soul.  I don’t.

Kissing is fun and it feels good.  That’s about it.  I do not think about it too much, so I never run the risk of over-thinking it.  I just do it when the moment calls for it.

Here are the basics for being an entry level Friendly-Kisser:

1- Alcohol is your friend.  Friendly-kissing and alcohol go together like Frankie Beverly and Maze.  Despite popular belief, the best friendly-kisses occur when only ONE of the kissers is drunk of they ass.  [although I’ve shared many a mutual drunken friendly-kisses…and more than a few completely sober]. Music and being able to dance helps this too.

2- Strike First. Women love men who make the first move.  Even though the point of friendly-kissing is not to make her fall in love with you…she’ll respect you more if you’re aggressive.  Grabbing hands, forearms, or the infamous rub across her spine so she toots her ass & chest out at the same time sets you up for the perfect meaningless kiss.

3- Don’t believe the hype.  A lot of women, in an understandable attempt to preserve their image, proclaim to not randomly kiss.  Bullshit.  “there are two things I ain’t never seen befo’…that’s a UFO and a heaux that wouldn’t go”.  In fact, women who speak such nonsense are basically begging to be kissed and have their texts subsequently ignored.

4- The Eyes Have It.  I’ve noticed a lot of chicks avoid direct eye contact.  Not sure why, but they do.  The only time a lot of them will look you square in the eyes is whey they think you’re lying, or they want something.  If a random woman is making eye contact within your 3 foot personal bubble…kiss her. Presume that she wants you because why the hell else is she all up in yo face??

5- Icewater. Yup, you gotta have ice water in your veins (Everybody Ain’t Able). Since the whole premise of friendly-kissing is that you may or may not know these women and you are not “involved” with them aside from riding shotgun in her car, driving her car, lying and saying Phillip Michael Thomas is your birth-father at a bar, drinking Andre Champagne with her, or maybe washing your clothes at her place…it is essential that you don’t get all soft and shit.

(which leads us to the next point)

6- Play your muthafu*kin role! NEWSFLASH: not every woman wants to marry you, or be your girlfriend, or have your kids, or even deal with you for more than 34 minutes a week.  But some women do enjoy occasional flashes of romance in between: work, school, changing diapers, watching reruns of The Game, the club, or whatever else she spends her time doing.  To be a friendly-kisser you have to resolve in your spirit that you may not be more than a cheap thrill for a random woman.  Deal with it.  Kisses can be short or long, wet or dry, tongue or no tongue…but they should always end with you dipping out.

Finally, understand that these are just the basics.  Kinda like the slow classes you had during school.

Pimps Up…Heaux Down???

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , , , on June 10, 2010 by theninjaparade

Everybody ain’t able.

Everybody ain’t meant to do everything.  For example: Everybody can’t pull off a bowtie, a pink shirt, or even a descent conversation…they just can’t.  It’s the law of the land, so it’s true that everybody can’t be a ladiesman, even if that tried.  And they do try.

My boy (who shall remain nameless, unless he becomes a contributor to this fine site)  hit me on an e-thread today tombout how men start heauxing (by the way, heaux is creole for hoes) to recover from emotional heartbreak.  I do, but I don’t believe this; and here’s why:

1- for most men, sex is just a mindless pleasure activity that, unfortunately, holds very little emotional collateral…like hitting homeruns, stuntin’ on rims, playing basketball, Xbox, landscaping, watching the Lakers, smelling barbeque, or anything else that is fun but ultimately pointless.

2- the fact that it means so very little to the typical emotionally detached male lessens it’s ability to actually “heal” anything.

3- Pimpin’ ain’t easy.  Despite what we think, Joe Blow has a harder time  coming across frequent, unique, and random non-prostitute sex.  So even if random sexual escapades were the cure for heartbreak, the average guy doesn’t have enough of it to cure a papercut let alone walking in on his girl getting ran by The Nupes, The 1999 OVC Champion TSU Tiger Offensive line, and her high school sweetheart…all at the same time.

Admittedly, there are SOME men who use sex as a coping mechanism…but these dudes were probably womanizers to begin with.  If your first response to emotional adversity is to throw on some cologne and smash one of the homies at the club <insert Pookie from New Jack crackpipe scene> then your problems may be bigger than the relationship you just left.

Add to that…most GUYS JUST AREN’T ABLE.  Even if they wanted to go out and seduce women they couldn’t.  They’re:

a) Painfully unattractive, so much so that even a good amount of money to trick probably won’t work.

b) Clueless with women.

c) Preoccupied with one of life’s other tasks besides women: work, family, education, etc.

d) Or bound to some sort of moral/religious code where smashing random women is “wrong” or “immoral”

That leaves about 40% (or less) of men who actually use this method to “cope” with heartbreak…and even their degree of usage along with intent is debatable.  Some guys’ idea of pimpin is maybe smashing two random women a month, while others two new women a weekend is a score, but still there are others who can kiss a woman he’s not in a committed relationship with and feel like he’s really done something.  Also, intent matters.  Some guys are just heaux.  They were heaux before the heartbreak, and will be heaux after the heartbreak.  So their heau activity is nothing more than them being them.

So the notion that “most” men use sex to cope with heartbreak is a logistical improbability…because everybody ain’t able.

~The Real El Jugo