Archive for black marriage

Put a Ring on it, 2.5: Why You Should STFU

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , , on July 5, 2010 by klkenned

Dear Ladies

I said:
STFU. I think this is pretty self explanatory. There’s no science to shutting up. He’s not listening to you because if he had to listen to you every time you opened your mouth, he could NEVER DO ANYTHING ELSE. STFU.

And my readers said:

Particularly disgusting is the advice a woman sucking one’s way to a wedding ring. This will not guarantee a thing except maybe some STDs in a highly visible area.
Keeping silent as a war tactic to deceive a guy will only lead him to not knowing who you really are, and it also demeans him to the role of an enemy… not the kind to avoid, but the kind to lay a trap for and feed off of like a parasite. Way to go… Our nonstop war mentality has invaded our hearts and our bedrooms, and with the advice in this post, I see no peace
. – K.I.T.

her married man is probably creeping with one of the single women because he enjoys her conversation…. LOL!!!!!
– H.R.

Otherwise, it sounds like another bird-ass married bitch (and I do mean bitch) giving advice about somewhere people are different. Fuck her. AND
I’m tired of simple bitches like this author
– J.W., the only male who had something negative to “contribute”

Does she even love her husband? – anonymous

I know plenty of women who follow these rules and get beat, cheated on, etc. So I’d like to respectfully FOH with this shit… I am one of those women that don’t STFU and decided to have a career… I’m not one of those women willing to settle for some guy for the sake of having a ring on it. Much less some guy that thinks my place is to have his dick in my mouth and STFU. I’m good on that. I’m looking for a partner not a master… – D.R.

I will not bother to address the head issue. Fact: If you do not give head, you are obsolete. Period. I don’t think there’s much to debate. If you think giving head is “disgusting” then you probably don’t have a very enjoyable sex life, married or not. And if you think that’s gross, you wanna hear something that’s REALLY gross? There is NO PART of my husband’s body I will NOT put in my mouth. Isn’t that disgusting? Ha ha!

Nor will I address concerns about the state of my marriage or being called a bird or a bitch because I understand that people feel comfortable under the relative guise of anonymity the internet provides to say the kind of shit that would, in real life, get you slapped. And that’s okay. I don’t do it, but I understand why others would. Moving on…

I would like to address STFU.

I abbreviated many of the comments to show you the most childish parts, but the gist of them go something like this:

WHO are YOU to tell ME that I need to STFU? I have earned (insert what they consider to be impressive credentials) and you are promoting (insert some misguided historical and/or misogynistic perspective here) and not only that but lemme tell you WHY I don’t get what you are really trying to tell me, BITCH.

First lemme say, ya mama’s a bitch…Yeah I said it.

Second, let me help you out.  Faux feminists kill me. You took one class in women’s studies in undergrad and now you can’t stand the idea that a man may think he’s better at you at something – ANYTHING. I hate to break it to you but guess what? Many of them ARE better than you at many things, and if that means hiring a male fireman who can carry my fat ass out of a burning building instead of a female who CAN’T (cause, as previously stated, I’m fat) then dammit, ladies, get in the unemployment line cause I’m not getting any thinner. But that point is neither here nor there because its.not.even.relevant. You brought up historical perspective on shit that doesn’t even need a historical perspective. STFU is something that applies to ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE.

ALL of them.

Some of you have taken to heart the fact that I was speaking to women in regard to men. “way to bring back antiquated perspectives. Way to set us back 100 years, BITCH.” You’re gonna get sick of calling me a bitch. . . Yet NONE OF YOU seemed to think shutting the fuck up was a bad idea when it came to the men. When I told guys to shut up, women were like, hell.yeah. Even those who were like, “fuck her.” I’m talking to YOU, J.W.. . . So why is that, you demanders of equal rights for women? WHERE was your historical perspective then? There was none. WHY? Cause it didn’t apply. Why didn’t it apply? Because it wasn’t relevant. I directed my first note to the ladies because I honestly believe we are the superior sex. My delivery wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine because a.) I’m not Oprah – I keeps it real and b.) I know we can do better. We are NOT the nagging, chicken head heauxs they make us out to be. Our contributions are just as valuable as any man’s, but aren’t recognized because we spend so much time talking about absolutely.nothing.

It’s a universally applicable and clearly (per receipt of my comments above) very rarely applied concept. I chose the romantic relationship aspect to which to apply it because that was the particular topic I chose to discuss. If I were talking about raising your kids, dealing with a problem with your best friends, or how to deal with your in-laws (whoops! You’d have to be married to have those – nevermind), or how to land that promotion in the career for which you have chosen above fostering healthy relationships, the bullet STFU would STILL.BE.THERE…

So let me take a moment to explain WHY.

There are clearly, as demonstrated by the comments above, many people who have lead lives so unexamined and lacking in introspection that they cannot ever think of a time where they should have just STFU. There is not one debate, not one blog uncommented on, not ONE argument that could have been avoided if they had just chosen to NOT say anything at all. “STFU!? You mean there is a time where someone just gets sick of me expressing my thoughtless, biased, and often uneducated opinion?” YES. “What do you mean people get embarrassed when I come around or that people get physically ill at the sound of my voice?” YES!!! Those of you who think I am just making shit up, ASK your significant other. Ask him, ladies and my one male in opposition, if there was EVER a time where he wished you would just STFU. That one time you got put out of the restaurant for talking bad to your waitress? How about that time you called his sister a crackhead? No? Don’t think you shoulda shut up then?

You do. You can think of 100 times where you thought, I probably shouldn’t have said that. So WHY doesn’t that apply to the person who means the most to you? Why doesn’t that person make you want to please them? And why do you think pleasing that person means you have to stifle your very being or do something “disgusting” to them? IS your very being your ability to run your mouth incessantly? If shutting up means you now consider yourself to be “someone else,” or “being false” then you are clearly more about talking about it then being about it anyway, and my blog was for the doers, not the shit talkers. Don’t let your strong black womanhood get in the way of experiencing love as it should be, between two people who care enough about each other to compromise and make sacrifices. It’s not about you bowing down to anything. Its about knowing when battles are better fought with your mouth…or with your *mouth* (Ha! Get it?! It’s about shutting up AND giving head!) FYI, these questions are not meant to be answered in the comments section of this blog. You need to answer these questions for yourselves, blog haters.

So before you go making comments about shit you don’t know about, let me tell you a little about me: My parents were married for 37 years before my father dropped dead on a tennis court on 05. My mother still considers herself to be married. I have been married for 3 years now. We were together 2 years before we got married and before you go talking shit about our tenure together, lemme tell you that just because you’ve been together 10 years, doesn’t mean your relationship is awesome…and you STILL ain’t married. I am married to a short, really cute, brown skinned alpha man who often gets mistaken for a Dominican cause he has straight hair. I think he’s the bee’s knees, and if you’ve ever met him, you do, too.

I had a baby at 19. I then went on to complete 3 degrees (1b, 2 m). This will be the ONLY TIME you will ever hear me say that because I hate people who constantly berate me with their rags to riches stories and fancy degrees. Fuck you, I got 3 of ‘em WITH a baby. Boo-ya. As a result, I have a really sweet job where I get a lot of money, to do work that is not super hard, and I can wear whatever I want to work. Private sector rocks!

And if the above isn’t reason enough to get like me, here’s the piece de resistance:

You know what I miss about single motherhood? NOTHING. There is nothing glamorous about deciding to reproduce with someone who doesn’t love you or respect you enough to marry you or take care of his kids. Been there. Done that. Over it.

Four Words:
Get Like Me, Bitches. (Ha! WHO’S the bitch now?!)

And yes, you can follow me on twitter…that is, if I accept your follow request. *block game proper*


Why Educated Black Men Won’t Settle Down

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , , , on June 27, 2010 by theninjaparade

…they are extremely arrogant and definitely aware of their self-worth.

Those are the words of a black woman who loves black men, commenting on educated black men. It was in no way a “man bash”, only an observation about trends amongst educated black men that she knows. Does she proclaim that ALL educated brothas are like this? Nope. But is that attitude (and others) prevalent among the accomplished masses? Damn right. [NOTE: I chose a picture of President Obama and First Lady Obama because they have become the new “gold standard” for progressive black romance…and also the very thing that many educated black men appear to be uninterested in.]

Just last week, a female that I hold in very high regard echoed the same idea. She has grown tired of all of the articles on “why can’t black women find a man” articles on the internet and tv. She pointed out that all this negative press about black women reflects an attitude on the streets (amongst many men) that sistas are clueless, and therefor hopeless when it comes to men and dating. And, most importantly, that it’s always the black woman’s shortcomings that appear to be put on blast. She’s either: not submissive, too opinionated, self-entitled, domineering, selfish, hypocritical, too much baggage, too many kids, unsupportive, opportunistic…or just a flat out mean-spirited b1tch, etc. I’ve heard it all before.

I‘m not here to confirm or deny any of those claims, in fact, this post isn’t even really about black women. It’s about us…the “educated” black men of a neighborhood near you. For the sake of conversation we’ll define “educated” as:
– at least a Bachelors degree
– gainfully employed
– above average earning [NOTE: not earning potential…but actually earning]
– under the age of 35
– heterosexual
– single (not “separated” or “we’re about to get a divorce” but for real single and not legally tied to any woman)

Admittedly, this represents a pretty small group…when you look at the entire picture, but there are literally hundreds of thousands of these men walking the streets. For all practical intents and purposes this group is the male version of the “typical” female who is depicted in the “why can’t she find a man” articles. I did a rather un-scientific survey of about 110 females that I know; simply asking what are some stereotypes of educated single black men and why they’re still single. The response was swift and surprisingly pretty limited. The same 4-5 things KEPT coming up. And upon follow-up, women weren’t really sharing stereotypes, they were sharing their own struggles trying to find/date a “good” guy.

Here’s what I found:

1– Numbers. Let’s get the obvious shit out the way first, there are waaaaaay more sistas that have themselves together than men. There may be a lot of reasons for this: raising our daughters to not trust/depend on black men, cats getting caught up on the criminal justice system early, ignorance, poverty, the list goes on. All I know is, I went to a Historically Black University and there were WAAAAY more women than men. Parlay that into corporate America and we see brothas who know full well that if they weren’t a doctor/engineer/lawyer/manager/preacher/educator/Indian chief/whatever, that they wouldn’t have NO HEAUX…none! The numbers are in our favor and we know it. Crazy thing is, it’s still kinda only the Top 25% of educated brothas that get all the women anyway…which further frustrates the situation if women want a guy to be educated AND attractive. So educated brothas have minimal motivation to settle down because the pool of women is so large.

2– Arrogance. This is very closely related to, if not rooted in, point 1. It’s so easy to start smelling yo own piss with a couple degrees in hand and some money in your pocket [NOTE: especially if you *juvenile voice* ain’t nevvvaa haaadd shit]. Not to mention, we’re often riding the wave of sexual conquest from college and our early 20’s…so a guy can have the affirmation of being successful, having plenty of heaux, and KNOWING that he can continue at this pace until he dies. Knowing those things, makes a man arrogant. And arrogance, by itself, isn’t why men don’t settle down or what to settle down…quite the contrary, arrogance is what’ll make a good woman stop fucking wit a nigga all-together. As thirsty and aggressive as some sistas are to get married, there are some things that even THEY won’t put up with. And arrogance is a violation that get’s tired real quick. Shiiiiiit, a cheater will get a pass before an arrogant nigga…at least you don’t have to see/hear the cheating everyday, but you are always confronted with a man reminding you of who he is, what he has, where he’s been, and what he’s done.

3- Sexual Prowess. Smart people are freaky. Sex is a stress reliever. Add those two statements together and you potentially have a sexual hurricane on your hands. I’ve noticed in my own dating of women from all backgrounds that those who are less educated, tend to have had fewer sexual partners and fewer “erotic” sexual tendencies than those who are extra-educated (they just some freaks). When I listen to my male friends talk, the ones who aren’t as educated have had fewer partners and experiences than the ones with education. And for men, sexual conquest sets the tone for his sexual appetite. A lot of educated brothas I know travel a lot, work out a lot, read a lot, and have a LOT of sex. That can be intimidating for some women to even be with a man who has miles like that. And he may think that one woman couldn’t possibly satisfy him because he’s so used to sexual conquest in different social circles, cities, states, and even countries. Some niggas really are dogs.

4- Schedule. Being successful, in just about anything, is time consuming. The more money is at stake the more the investment of time will have to be. Add to that a lot of brothas who are out pursuing their dreams believe that we have to be twice as good as our white counterparts to succeed. That takes time. I know guys that have devoted their whole 20’s in pursuit of their dreams, taking very little time to do things like date or be in love. Ironically, our drive and focus is a turn on to most women…but they soon realize that’s just a detached fantasy and that he’ll probably be more in love with his dreams/goals than he is with his woman. Not every sista is down to take a backseat to a man’s career aspirations. The second part to this scenario is when he “arrives”, or reaches the first set of big goals that he had for himself. The natural reaction is to “live it up”…enjoy the money, status, prestige, and women/sex that come with all of his hard work. I mean, what’s the point of devoting 7+ years of post-high school education and/or climbing the ladder if you can’t enjoy all the new pu$$y and money that comes with it? A LOT of brothas feel this way. Quiet is kept, this is why half of them grind so hard and put in so many long hours.

5- Keepin’ it Real. To be honest, I was actually surprised at how many times this came up in the feedback I got from women. I’m not going to go into how there’s no concrete “black experience” and that black people are complex, with many varied experiences, classes, and values…but I will concede that there is a dominant “experience” and THAT is very much located in “the hood”. The hood isn’t entirely ghetto, but does carry many of the themes and midsets of poverty and “the struggle”. A lot of guys, as they progress in their careers, do loose touch with where they came from (which is presumably, but not always, the hood). Loosing touch is a babystep away from frontin’, and frontin’ is time consuming and expensive. Especially if you frontin’ for some new muthafukas. With that level of frontin’ going on, dude may not have time to date or authentically get to know someone because he’s too busy keeping up with his new surroundings and he damn sure doesn’t wanna be seen with no “around the way” girl.

*6- White Women. Yeah I said it. I had to put an asterisk next to it because: although marrying/dating a white woman isn’t really a reason “why educated black men won’t settle down”…it is seen as problematic in the eyes of many as to why so many black on black unions never happen. There is a perception that the more educated black men tend to date outside of their race (or are more likely to date outside) than less educated black men, and for that matter black woman period. This is probably true, or at least has some truth to it. Although I’m not sure there’s that huge of a spike of “educated” vs. non-educated brothas, in terms of dating outside their race…it just seems like it kills morale when a super-successful black dude marries a white woman, given that there are so relatively few super-successful black dudes. [NOTE: nobody really cares if a broke nigga ends up with a white woman] And the media, especially media geared towards black women, doesn’t help this at all. The successful black man leaves the faithful black woman who’s supporting him since he was broke as hell for…a white woman, is a all too common theme in movies and music. The reality is, the closer a man get’s to the top, the more exposure to white people he’ll probably have. Long hours at the office can lead to romance…I’m just sayin.

So there, that’s just a mini-summary of the feedback I got.  I’m sure there’s more to discuss.