Archive for the Ninja Sports Category

The Infamous Ninjas Cuff Season Survival Guide

Posted in black culture, black people, bustdowns, Cuffing, Dating, Global Ninja, hip hop, Music, Ninja Sports, Pimpin', Relationships, sideline hoes on September 26, 2013 by Dizzer

cuffs

 

 

I was perusing Instagram a couple nights ago, and couldn’t help but notice the influx of Memes flooding the timeline. For those unfamiliar, there are two kinds of Memes; those that make you laugh out loud, and those that give sad people with shit else to do a platform to put their business in the streets, while simultaneously complaining that their business is always in the streets (which also makes people like me laugh out loud).

Long story short, it’s cuffing season pimp! The draft is now in session. My cousin Jas is taking breaks from running lace fronts out of my deceased Big Mama’s house down in Florida to let y’all know her thick ass is single, and ready to get CHOSE! So, gather ‘round friends, negroes and countrymen. Lend me your ears….here’s what I’ve learned from your IG accounts about how to (and not to) get chose this season:

Rule number one…Never be number two. Like Ricky Bobby said, if you’re not first, you’re last! Believe that shit.  Reconcile it in your spirit. Sign up for second string, your ass will end up on the bench for most of winter. There are no injuries in cuffing season.

Turn down for what? Because posting pictures of your legs in a tub of bubbles relaxing or chilling at home making a bomb meal is way sexier than pictures of you indulging in “single bitches” activities. I don’t care what you’re wearing, what club you’re in or what you’re drinking, your #longasmybitchesloveme hash tags don’t hide the truth. NO ONE LOVES YOU. And that is why your ass is single. It’s called skill sets, bitch!

Real Life is cooler than the Internet. One of my girlfriends went out for her birthday three weeks ago. She didn’t snap pictures of jack shit. No selfies. No shoe shots. She took five shots, went on the dance floor, and met her a boo. No distractions, keep your head in the game (see what I just did right there?)

Follow chose bitches. Birds of a feather, right? Most chosen chicks aren’t posting much right now, because its game season, but there are a few flocks (basketball wives, Kevin Hart’s girlfriend, etc.) who will be posting until the season starts in October. Learn what you can now.

PSA: Don’t get caught up in thinking that because you’re just as cute as the chicks you see hooked up on reality television or the interwebs, that your standards of dating are remotely realistic. 6.03% of men in the United States make $100,000 or more. Not black men, all men. 47% of black women in the United States have never been married. There is an even more ridiculous percentage chance that men that fall in this category will run up on your ass in the club and cuff you. Your skill sets should determine your standards, not the other way around.  Have a good season folks!!

 

~Courtesy of our dedicated contributing Ninjas

 

If you like this, you’ll LOVE this one The Sideline Heaux Chronicles 

 

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The Everyday Black Woman & Beer: A Love Story

Posted in black culture, black people, Global Ninja, hip hop, Ninja Sports, ninjas, sideline hoes, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 23, 2011 by theninjaparade

The blogosphere, especially, is saturated with images and ideas of common sistas being inept, overly domineering, inconsiderate, and basically a bunch of onry bishes when it comes to relationships.  Bullshit.

“Not so!” , we say, here at The Ninja Parade.  All these females can’t be clueless and only #winning if they’re ridiculously gorgeous, with nice firm asses and breasts like casaba melons (or, more popularly…white).

Some of these chicks have to be doing well.  Real well.  We know the statistics, 50% of marriages end in divorce…that means 50% of them shyts last F-O-R-E-V-E-R.  And ya know what?  That’s alright with us, because the aforementioned “forever” is predicated on two looming premises that we like to conveniently ignore: 1- ninjas need love too…and it’s not just women wanting to be in long-term joints. 2- the women who want it…get it, sans the ridiculously fat asses and casaba melon-esque breasts.

Today, we’ll address the latter premise, and answer the burning question:

How do average, everyday, sistas attract, secure, and maintain healthy relationships with capable upstanding black guys??

It’s really quite simple…beer.

You see, Ol El Jugo was educated at one of the finest Universities around and the majority of our student population was comprised of African American women.  It was there that I noticed something peculiar about a certain group of women that ignited an informal case study that I’ve been conducting ever since with a working hypothesis that: sistas who could enjoy themselves in the presence of beer seemed to be cut from a different cloth then those who didn’t.

They just are.

Blame it on the fact that they probably had a father, or father figure, who drank beer and loved they mama…blame it on the “Homegirl Syndrome” that connects beer with sports (which is most men’s first love)…hell, blame it on the rain, but a sista and a nice frosty mug, into perpetuity, are as sexy (if not more so) as stelletos/boy-shorts/wifebeater combination that we’ve grown to love.

Soooooo…

Instead of clowning heaux, which we have become quite infamous for, today we shall uplift, rejoice over, and dare I say…champion the marginally attractive-to-fine black woman with beer.  Today we’ll get our Special Agent Dr. George Huang from Law & Order: SVU on…and create a profile of these beautiful beer-clad nubian princesses.

Scenario One: She’s Married, buying Beer at the Grocery Store.  This bish IS. IN. LUH. Not just in luh, but a champion. No seriously.  She’s the epitome of winning.  Not simply because she’s married, but because she sees the value of beer’s synergistic magic in the peace and sactity of her household.  She gives good (not great) dome, washes clothes in Gain, and makes a mean ass homemade taco.  Not only that, she gives her husband the obligatory 45 minutes of complete silence that he needs upon entry of the home. She secretly runs the show, while making him feel like a Kang. *salutes* [Editor’s Note: the beer doesn’t actually have to be for him, if lil mama needs to throw back a cold one to shut the fcuk up...May God & Klkeninja keep her.]

Scenario Two: She’s Married, buying Beer at the Liquor Store.  Location, location, location.  Ok, she’s got the right idea…just hasn’t been married as long and jawn in Scenario One, but was surely mentored by her.  She get’s the big picture, however, the fact that she’s at the liquor store…when she was undoubtedly at the grocery store, or at least rode past it, earlier suggests her priorities are a bit out of whack.  It’s all good boo…we see you though.  Maybe daddy wasn’t there growing up, but your dedication to the cause of not coming home without a cold and refreshing Heineken, suggests she makes the best grape Kool-Aid in the contiguous United States AND definitely has hood tendencies and is probably a hood chick. (not to be confused with a Hood Rat. See also: Hood Chicks vs. Hood Rats) She keeps dish soap in the bathroom (why? we have NO CLUE, maybe it loosens the glue in her tracks better, or her nigga is just as hood and likes his boo to smell like Lemon Joy fresh out the tub…who knows?), but she’s winning.  Times get tough, but she knows where to go for comfort. *kee-chee* <—that’s the sound of a cold one being cracked open, and of winning.

Scenario Three: She’s Single, buying Beer at the Grocery Store.  Legendary football coach Vince Lombardi is quoted as saying…”success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of being”. The single woman in the grocery store choosing between Yuengling Amber Bock and Newcastle Brown Ale is a champion in the making.  When you see her grab that 12-pack, take note of that moment in history.  It is a young Michael Jordan raising up over two Georgetown Hoyas defenders in ’82.  It’s magical.  And any woman who has ever bought beer in a grocery store and been approached by SEVERAL men can attest to the starry gaze they/we have in their/our eyes.  She may not cook or clean that well, but you’ll never hear her complaining about *Allen Iverson voice* practice?  Why? Because that’s where champions are made and she knows it.  And if you think niggas aren’t slick judging you when you host cookouts, Super Bowl parties, baby showers where men are invited, and any other shyt that would allow any man to glance into your fridge and see a beer that *looks* like its been there for a while…you crazy as hell.  We see that shyt and we’re either gonna shoot our shot right then, or toss an assist to one of our single homeboys and let him know just how special you are.  Real talk.

Scenario Four: She’s Single, buying Beer at the Liquor Store.  This bish just like drinking beer…and I ain’t even mad at her.  There’s a certain sexiness to women who independently purchase and consume beer.   I’ll bet two paychecks that ol girl has a great sense of humor and nice rack, and even if she’s not into sports (which she probably is)…she’s smart enough to enjoy a good game and *wait on it* …shut the fcuk up from tip-off and last shot.  Unlike the other three scenarios, where the purchaser could easily be buying for another person (presumably male), nah…jawn likes beer and drinks beer.  She’s the independent woman that pop culture song writers write about without all the pomp and circumstance.  She is in complete ownership of her social life, whether romance works out for her or not she can rest on her blessed assurance that when that nigga don’t call back she can paint her toenails, throw back a cold one, and bump that new Jill Scott until she goes to sleep and tomorrow will be a new day. God is able…ahhhhhshaddabowshay!

“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do…” – The Most Interesting Man In The World.

~ El Jugo

****if you liked this Blog, you’ll love: The Sideline Heaux Chronicles

Top 5 Most Over-Used Words of 2010

Posted in black culture, black people, bustdowns, hip hop, Music, niggas, Ninja Sports, ninjas, Pimpin', Uncategorized with tags on October 22, 2010 by pierrekeys

There has always been a propensity amongst African Americans to incorperate hip hop language into our daily vocabularies. From the skits on The Chronic that started the “Deez Nuts” craze to Beyonce’s smash hits “Irreplaceable” and “Put a Ring on It” that fooled many women to actually think that they were worthy of the latter or that the man didn’t really mind getting pushed “to the left”.

To the guy who places his gold plated chain over the neck of the female he’s dancing with as Jay-Z raps “I got the hottest chick in the game wearing my chain” (well he might, but you don’t) to the same chick he dances with that calls her crew 5 Star Chicks (bish please). We’ve always been heavily influence (in an unhealthy way) by hip hop cliche’s. Not to say that our parents weren’t influence by the lingo that derived from Black exploitation films, but through the growth of social networking we have been inaudated with cheezy ass words (see Grindin‘). Certain phrases should be reserved to the author of those phrases or to the person that is really grindin’ (i.e. Mark Zuckenberg or Puffy). Nigga you get off at 5pm like the rest of us !

As Fonzworth Bentley and Keri Hilson eulogized the word “movement’ at this years BET Hip Hop Awards I want to have a moment of silence for the Top 5 Over Used Phrases of 2010.

**organ plays Precious Lord softly in the background**

1. Kanyeshrug – Haven’t we seen enough of this? I thought this was supposed to be used if you said something that was kinda tongue-in-cheek or just plain ole assholish, the kanyeshrug become the proverbial exclamation point in 2010. I just want to return to this (!).

2. All Black Everything (or any other color u decide to wear from head to toe). *sigh* Can I get you to just color contrast ? This term is usually said in the same tone or voice projectory of #3

3. “Its Goin’ Down” .  I mean really? Could you be more specific? The same raggedy ass “all White” party that you throw all summer is really going to be better than it was last week? Nigga get the fcuk outta here with that dingy linen walkin’ suit.

4.Let’s Go (often pronounced “legg-‘go”)– Usually used when one thinks they have done or said something profound or just made a really big announcement. It has the style of the Bishop Eddie Long walk -off after he told his congregation he had 4 stones and all that other shit, whilst still maintaining the lameness of a Yung Berg tweet written all over it. This should only be used if you are going to an all white party in the Hamptons that benefits breast cancer. Or if you are on 106 and Park announcing your world premier video (emphasis on “your”)

5. “So You Fancy Huh” – Just another song that encourages self professed Barbies to dance solo in the club. …..(I mean after you finish your dance with the guy with the gold plated chain). You’re not fancy. You SHOULD keep your nails and toes done. Your weave SHOULD look believable. Stop assuming just because I decided to wear my new cardigan to work that it gives you the right to say “You Fancy Huh”. No, I just wanna look nice and adhere to the company’s dress code policy. I’ma start asking fat chicks, “You Hungry Huh”

**ashes to ashes dust to dust**

Are there any other phrases that need to join this memorial ? The NinjaParade would like to know.

The Kobe Files: “Thangs Just Ain’t the Same fa Gangstas…”

Posted in Ninja Sports with tags , , , , , on June 15, 2010 by theninjaparade

Kobe Bryant: Nobody likes this dude. Nobody.

No, seriously. Aside from die-hard Laker fans (…and even some of them slick resent his ass), nobody likes this dude.

He is, however, great. And greatness, like most things, is relative to the arena in question. Whether a person is one of the fastest package handlers at FedEx Ground, or one of the greatest athletes on earth. There’s something to be said about, and learned about, a great person. Like how to deal with intense opposition. And opposition is where the relativity of greatness stops. Nobody really gives a fu*k if you’re the fastest package handler at FedEx Ground…but if you’re an elite athlete in THIS millennium, all of the sudden you’re greatness attracts…detractors.

The Kobe-hate is personal. When I look at Facebook and Twitter sometimes, I really think some people would do harm to Kobe if they saw him on the streets. I’m not even really sure why people hate Kobe so much. Aside from his on-the-court play, nothing about him strikes me as extraordinary. But people hate Kobe…with a passion. It cuts deeper than basketball too. Folk really cannot STAND Kobe. I just don’t get it though.

Here are my theories why people hate Kobe so much:

1- The Dry Snitch Heard ‘Round the World. Kobe is the poster-child for dry snitching. According the The LA Times, Kobe told officers (while being investigated for the whole ass-raping thing) that he should have “just followed Shaq’s example and just paid women to not say anything” AND “…that Shaq had already spent over a million dollars” keeping these heaux quiet. Hol up…now I’m not in favor of the whole ‘Stop Snitching’ movement when it comes to not exposing violent crimes (or any crimes that hurt the community)…but Kobe snitched on Shaq and his sideline heaux, in which case ‘Stop Snitching’ does apply. Niggas, understandably, hate ANY type of snitching because of the code they live by on the streets. Understandable. But we ALL have somebody that we know and love that has probably snitched. A tell-tale sign is if you know someone that has been involved in illegal activity for more than 5+ years and has never really done ANY time for real…they’ve probably snitched. As you think of you’re friends and relatives that YOU know live a life of crime, and think about the 1 or 2 that haven’t done ANY time, that becomes a very tough pill to swallow. Hood-truth: The system is set-up for you to do some sort of time (especially if you’re involved in narcotics). It just is. But if you can love your snitchin ass cousin, why can’t you get over Kobe? [Note: you niggas watch First 48…ya’ll know it goes down everyday] I just don’t get it.

2- Kobe Fatigue. With the exception of those puppet commercials…niggas pretty much hate everything about Kobe. Kobe doesn’t even get talked about in terms of “how I like the other team/player”…it’s always how “I hate Kobe”, or how “I want Kobe to loose”, or better yet “Anybody BUT Kobe”. There’s a series of commercials that feature Kobe with other legends, and for the better part of 15 years he has been basically everywhere (with a brief break for the whole ass-raping thing). There are some people who hate Kobe simply because they’re tired of his ass. Here’s the thing though. Kobe isn’t the most exposed athlete, or even the most exposed figure in the media. We could argue that Jay-Z and Beyonce are 10X more exposed in the media than Kobe. And their exposure actually hurts other artists who aren’t affiliated with them. The more we see “Jayonce”, the less we can possibly see of other artists thus taking away from precious marketing time/exposure. The more we hear them on the radio/videos (Beyonce especially) the less spin other artists get. Kobe just plays basketball, and RARELY does he do a commercial by himself. Shit, and he’s not stopping anybody’s shine…at the time of publishing this blog, the Lakers are down 3-2 against the Celtics in the Championship. If you can be all “Crazy in Love”, or still nod your head to “Empire State of Mind” after 13 gazillion times…you can get over a few Kobe commercials. I just don’t get it.

3- The Asshole Factor. This one kind of confuses me. American society, in general, has a love-hate relationship with jerks, especially of the more arrogant variety. We make note of their jerkiness, while subtly giving them a pass as long as they continue to perform. Kobe Bryant, love him or hate him, will go down in history as arguably the greatest basketball player of all time. That being said: Kobe isn’t even a bigger asshole as the current consensus G.O.A.T….Michael Jordan. Funny thing is, you wouldn’t even really know Mike was an asshole unless you’ve ever: a) met him in person, drunk as hell and talking loud (which I have), or b) saw his NBA Hall of Fame acceptance speech (which I did) where he slick talked BAD about everybody, even people who helped him along in his career. Asshole move. But hey, it’s Mike, he’s the man *extends his Airness a pass*. Kobe get’s no such pass. Funny thing is…aside from the Dry Snitch Heard ‘Round the World, we’ve never really heard Kobe say shit about anything but basketball. He does his mandatory interviews, kisses his wife & kids, and keeps it movin’. Sure he complains about calls, but working the refs (for team leaders and coaches) is PART OF THE GAME. And apparently, he has some sort of mythical asshole swag, similar to the “ora” that surrounded Rick James. Either way…if you’re reading this blog, you probably have an asshole in your life that you love dearly. Why not Kobe? I just don’t get it.

4- Michael Jordan: There is a LARGE constituency of Kobe-haters that are dead-set on undermining this man’s career, skills, and accomplishments. Furthermore, any comparison to Michael Jordan is forbidden. Although Mike never snitched on anybody, for two of the three previous reasons…Mike has Kobe faded (pun intended). Michael Jordan is the most media saturated athlete ever. Period. THAT dude was literally everywhere, solo. And he’s, by most accounts, a HUGE asshole in person. But, like we said…Mike gets a pass where Kobe does not. Add to that…although Kobe will amass more numbers because he’ll have a longer career, his average numbers in just about every category will probably be lower than MJ’s. So we’ll essentially have Kobe scoring more than Mike, but averaging less. So unless Kobe out-championships Mike, Jordan is the man on paper. But it’s not all about numbers, it can’t be, if that were the case Wilt Chamberlain would be considered the best and we’d be done with it. But since Kobe patterned his game after Mike (which by the way was a BRILLIANT idea), somehow he draws resentment. What kid who grew up in the 90’s DIDN’T want to be Michael Jordan? Kobe just had enough talent and physical ability to come close. I just don’t get it.

5- Laker Fans. I may be one of the few people that hates the Lakers, but likes Kobe. I hate the Lakers because being from the Chicago area and a die-hard Bulls fan that suffered through the heartbreaking losses to the Pistons in the Eastern Conference finals; a blown call that robbed Pippen of a solo shot at the Finals against the Knicks; and the post-MJ “The Tony Kukoc era”, “The Elton Brand/Ron Artest era”, “The Jamal Crawford era”, and about 3-4 other “eras” before the Bulls put another solid team on the floor…while the Lakers were winning titles and being all competitive and shit, I hate them dudes. Not only are they hated because of their team on the court; Laker fans are assholes. Maybe fans of ultra successful franchises are all assholes, because Yankee’s fans & Cowboy’s fans are assholes too. That being said. No other franchise with asshole fans generate as much hate for their superstar as the Laker faithful. People don’t hate Derek Jeter or A-Rod (and dude got popped with steroids); people don’t hate Emmit Smith and Michael Irvin (and dude got popped with heaux and cocaine…more than once, and he wears sus suits)…but they hate Kobe and will use his fans to justify it. I just don’t get it.

In some ways we can make a good case that Kobe is just a random personality-less athlete.  In a lot of ways, he’s no different from any other athlete, entertainer, or person.  But I know that won’t stop the hate, for whatever reason.

Feel free to add any of your conspiracy theories on why people (…or just why you) hate Kobe.