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The Infamous Ninjas Cuff Season Survival Guide

Posted in black culture, black people, bustdowns, Cuffing, Dating, Global Ninja, hip hop, Music, Ninja Sports, Pimpin', Relationships, sideline hoes on September 26, 2013 by Dizzer

cuffs

 

 

I was perusing Instagram a couple nights ago, and couldn’t help but notice the influx of Memes flooding the timeline. For those unfamiliar, there are two kinds of Memes; those that make you laugh out loud, and those that give sad people with shit else to do a platform to put their business in the streets, while simultaneously complaining that their business is always in the streets (which also makes people like me laugh out loud).

Long story short, it’s cuffing season pimp! The draft is now in session. My cousin Jas is taking breaks from running lace fronts out of my deceased Big Mama’s house down in Florida to let y’all know her thick ass is single, and ready to get CHOSE! So, gather ‘round friends, negroes and countrymen. Lend me your ears….here’s what I’ve learned from your IG accounts about how to (and not to) get chose this season:

Rule number one…Never be number two. Like Ricky Bobby said, if you’re not first, you’re last! Believe that shit.  Reconcile it in your spirit. Sign up for second string, your ass will end up on the bench for most of winter. There are no injuries in cuffing season.

Turn down for what? Because posting pictures of your legs in a tub of bubbles relaxing or chilling at home making a bomb meal is way sexier than pictures of you indulging in “single bitches” activities. I don’t care what you’re wearing, what club you’re in or what you’re drinking, your #longasmybitchesloveme hash tags don’t hide the truth. NO ONE LOVES YOU. And that is why your ass is single. It’s called skill sets, bitch!

Real Life is cooler than the Internet. One of my girlfriends went out for her birthday three weeks ago. She didn’t snap pictures of jack shit. No selfies. No shoe shots. She took five shots, went on the dance floor, and met her a boo. No distractions, keep your head in the game (see what I just did right there?)

Follow chose bitches. Birds of a feather, right? Most chosen chicks aren’t posting much right now, because its game season, but there are a few flocks (basketball wives, Kevin Hart’s girlfriend, etc.) who will be posting until the season starts in October. Learn what you can now.

PSA: Don’t get caught up in thinking that because you’re just as cute as the chicks you see hooked up on reality television or the interwebs, that your standards of dating are remotely realistic. 6.03% of men in the United States make $100,000 or more. Not black men, all men. 47% of black women in the United States have never been married. There is an even more ridiculous percentage chance that men that fall in this category will run up on your ass in the club and cuff you. Your skill sets should determine your standards, not the other way around.  Have a good season folks!!

 

~Courtesy of our dedicated contributing Ninjas

 

If you like this, you’ll LOVE this one The Sideline Heaux Chronicles 

 

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If You Want to Win You Must Move Without the Ball

Posted in Pimpin' with tags on June 16, 2010 by Dizzer

In the spirit of the NBA finals I would like to introduce you to a concept that I coined several years ago when talking about men and women in relationships. Its called “Moving Without The Ball” For all of you out there who are not familiar with the term moving without the ball is something that basketball coaches around the world preach to their teams. Players should move around the court even if they do not have the ball so that they can become open and get an open look at the basket and a clear shot. For the best real life example of this check out Ray Allen in a game because that dude is constantly moving without the ball. When one stands in the same spot on the court they are easy to guard and consequently will not get passed the ball because a member of the defense is right there to get a steal or block the shot.

Now let me relate “Moving Without The Ball” to relationships. First off let me be clear that both men and women should move without the ball. But since I am not a woman I will be speaking from a males point of view on this topic. From my 30 years of observation of the opposite sex there are so many women out in the world who do not move without the ball when it comes to their personal dating lives. So many women think that being cute, being a woman, having a job, and breathing entitles them to having a man. This falsehood could be no further from the truth. No woman is entitled to having a man or being in a relationship that is why if you visit any baptist church you will see 40+ year old single women thirsty for a man. And when I say thirsty I mean so many women thirst as if they have been roaming through the Sahara Desert for 30 days. Its kind of sad. Anyway there are certain things that women can do that allows them to get open and get that clear shot at a healthy forward moving relationship. So I am going to give you 10 steps that will help you move without the ball and get that open look.

10 Steps to “Moving Without the Ball”

1. Smile – No one is going to approach you to talk if you walking around mean mugging every one that walks by. It won’t kill you to smile and speak sometimes.

2. Stop traveling in packs – most good men feel intimidated approaching a woman who is by herself so why are you going to complicate things by frequenting your favorite lounge with 5 of your homegirls. Travel with 1 friend 2 max.

3. Develop yourself while you are single – don’t just think that work and home and going to church on Wednesday and Sunday is enough. Develop yourself as a person. Find out what interests you, pick up a hobby, read a book that doesn’t have anything to do with relationships from time to time. Men wan to feel like they can have a decent conversation with you so please be interesting and have something to talk about.

4. Work out – this is not only good for moving without the ball and having more men find you and approach you, but it is also good for you as an individual and your over all health.

5. Learn how to cook – seriously do women do this anymore. The old saying that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through is stomach does hold some weight. Cooking is fundamental.

6. Cut down on male friends – if you are a woman who has an absurd number of male friends you might want to trim down the number to 1 or 2. Guys see warning flags when a woman has too many heterosexual male friends.

7. Study what you want – if you like a certain type of dude study to see what interests him. Find out where guys like that hang out. Make sure you spend time in those places. A man can’t find you if you are not out and about to be found.

8.Obey your thirst – there are some women out there who want to be in a relationship and then there are those who don’t. If you are in the group of women who wish to be in a relationship consider yourself thirsty. And what does one do when they are thirsty? The go get a drink. Thirst is not a negative thing. I would say guys are always thirsty but that kind of obvious like calling water wet.

9. Relax – don’t have relationship written on your forehead. When a man approaches you if it ends up in a date then cool. Don’t expect this to be “the one” just be easy with it and have a good time. If it is meant to be then it will.

10. Build a team – a team atmosphere works great when dating. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Develop a squad of about 3-5 people that you enjoy spending time with. Over time the one who is really worth your time will reveal themselves.

There you go ladies. A step by step booklet for you to get to get your game on track.

-Dizzer

Coochie EBT

Posted in Uncategorized on June 13, 2010 by Dizzer

Dear Ninjas,

I have decided to pen this letter to all of those abusers of the Coochie Ebt. Yes, we all know at least one and most of us no more than one. Hell you may even be one yourself. Who is it that I speak of you ask. Well I am speaking to all of those men who pimp there organization, status, profession, etc. to win over women and bed them. Including but not limited to doctors, lawyers, politicians, preachers, Kappas, Sigmas, Alphas, Omegas, shoot even Iotas. Still not clear on exactly what I am talking about I will be happy to further explain myself.

For all of those who are not familiar with and EBT card it is basically the new age of the food stamp. Good ole’ Uncle Sam revolutionized the game when he gave individuals on government assistance the ability to walk into their friendly neighborhood grocery store, shop for food and pay with a an ebt card that allowed them to swipe, punch in a 4 digit pin number and go home with their goods. These cards are given a certain balance each month so a household only has so much money to spend on food each month.

Now that I have explained that allow me to connect the dots with how ninjas use a Coochie EBT card all of the time. Let’s say that when a man joins an organization, pursues a certain profession, or is affiliated with a person place or thing that others (mainly women) think is lucrative he is given an allotment of points that he can use to impress members of the opposite sex to give up the goods. The problem with this is that so many men our there abuse their EBT card because they lack the personality development to keep a woman interested on their own. I will give you examples of ways in which men abuse their Coochie EBT to the point that they actually should pay back the organization/profession that they are affiliated with.

5 Ways you know you are dealing with a Coochie EBT Card abuser:

1. Ladies you are in a club or lounge and you a man comes up to and asks you what your name is. You tell him your name and in turn ask him what his name is his response is “My name is Damon Carter…….Doctor Damon Carter”.

2. Your homegirl hosts a get together at her home. It is a small get together with mixed company. You all start having a round table discussion about men and women (as men and women always do) the cat that was talking to you earlier makes countless statments about his law firm and how he plans to make partner in 5 years even though that has nothing at all to do with the conversation.

3. In line at the grocery store you are waiting to check out and the guy standing behind you *thinking to himself out loud* says “Man I can’t wait to kick it with the bruhs this weekend its been so long since I got a chance to kick it with the bruhs” right before he steps to you and asks you what your name is and then makes sure he stretches just enough to reveal the fraternity brand that was concealed by the short sleeves on his shirt.

4. You are at the gas station and a young well dressed young man pulls up in an infiniti with the personalized tag “PREACHAMN” on his car. After he introduces himself to you he asks you out to Wednesday night bible study where he teaches.

5. You

Now I simply put “You” as number 5 because we all have done it at some point in our lives. And don’t get me wrong I am not saying that using the Coochie EBT in and of itself is wrong. What I am saying is that there is no reason to abuse the card. I know people who have used enough points off there cards for not only themselves but enough for their whole organization. They totally disregard that fact that if they worked on their personality just a bit and were able to hold a woman’s attention for longer than 5 minutes with some witty dialog they would not have to rely so heavily on what they do for a living or what organization they are a part of in order to win over a female.

– Dizzer