You ARE Your Hair (Part Deux): And Another Thing…

And another thing…

I had the opportunity to attend a professional conference for African American executives. Here I met the crème de la crème – serious movers and shakers both inside and outside the black community, in every field imaginable. It was an awesome experience.

Except for this.one .thing.
I’m sitting in a keynote speech, trying to get my inclusion discussion on, and look to the left to see the tell-tale harsh ass hairline of a lace front wig, inclusive of baby hair and glue residue. The wearer, a nice looking woman in a snug skirt suit, stroked her hairline absentmindedly, probably checking to make sure her shit was secured.
*sigh*
Ladies,
At what point did you think rocking a lace front wig/weave was a good idea?  Cause, up close and in real life, it’s not. Unless you live a life on stage, playing Miss Celie in the 72nd Street Missionary Baptist Church original play, They’re Eyes are Watching the Color Purple, you should not ever wear a lace front. Why?
A couple of reasons:
You probably can NOT afford a nice one. Them shits are OVER $1000. But instead of either a.) Saving your part time paycheck from Popeye’s or b.)Forgoing this bad idea all together and buying useful shit like rent, all the single ladies buy the cheaper alternatives and end up with a plastic wig and a truncated forehead, looking like Drake with that severe ass hairline.
It will take your edges all the way the fuck out. Glue + baby hair = bald…Talk about bad for your hair. As most things black women do to their hair, there are potentially dire consequences which in turn can breed dependence because having a hairline that appears to be drawn on with a sharpie is better than having no hairline at all.
You are NOT Beyoncé. Beyoncé could shave her head, glue the newly removed hair to her nipples as pasties, and bust out doing The Sprinkler, and the stans will still say, “That’s fierce.” Will the stans do that for you? I.don’t. think.so. Instead of thinking, “What Would Beyoncé Do?” try thinking, “What would someone who is NOT Beyoncé do?”  Trust me. It works.
You are NOT fooling anyone. As an avid non lace front wig wearer, I understand that, at some point, you just have to stop giving a shit about whether or not people think the hair on your head is yours, and just rock out with your cock out anyway. However, that does not preclude the wearer from ensuring they don’t look like she is actively being assaulted by a pack of rabid ring tailed lemurs. Why is this better than your real hair again?
And I’m not just talking to Basic Heaux.  These women are executives in major companies, small business owners, and in here rocking a lace fronts like we were at a Jamaican dance hall party. So unless they were Basics in Disguise, which happens, this is an epidemic that is overtaking the nation. From the check-out girl at Target to the CEOs of small business, the lace front has crept up from the strip clubs and tacky bars and infiltrated our churches, homes and places of business.  It sees no class, no economic boundaries. Accompanied by their compatriots, ridiculously long French manicured porn star nails and 6 inch, brightly colored platform stilettos, the lace front further blurs the line between heaux and housewife, professional woman and stripper dressed as a professional woman, hired for an office prank.
This madness has got to stop.
Join me, sisters, in solidarity to stop the tacky, poorly made, cheap theatrical wig movement. Send our donations to idogiveafuck@yodaddy.com (not to be confused with my hate mail address, Idontgiveafuck@yomama.com) and stand with me as I mock, ridicule, and shame these women into some damn sense because they look a hot steaming ghetto ass mess. And we can’t have that, can we?
Fight the power,

Klkenned

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5 Responses to “You ARE Your Hair (Part Deux): And Another Thing…”

  1. madmack73 Says:

    On the behalf of H.A.L.F We firmly stand behind all of your statements. This trend must come to a complete stop!

    Sincerely,
    madmack73
    President H.A.L.F (Humans Against Lace Fronts)
    “Because we care about your hairline”

    In all seriousness though, I can’t stand them neither. A lot of them have friends and relatives that are not telling them the truth, and that is YOU LOOK A HOT MESS. Now you can find signs and shops here in Houston advertising them for $25.99. Really??? Those are the types of places that are having women looking like they are wearing a hairy fitted cap. I have been talking against this mess for a very long time.

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  3. man that is awful what in the world was she thinking i look good today so i will go out in public and do that too myself and anyone who is witness too this my god this is sad bye

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