You ARE Your Hair: An Open Letter to The Natural Hair Nazis

Dear Natural Friends,

Allow me to begin with a disclaimer:
First, not everyone with natural hair is a bitch. Second, I attended a historically black college (in fact, the first historically black college)so I know all about oppression, European standards of beauty, and society’s impact on my psyche. I get it. You are not your hair.

And neither am I, BITCH.

Recently i had the opportunity to come under the ire of The Natural Nazi. A friend tweeted, during the Super Bowl, “My daughter has hair like Troy Palamalu.” I retweeted, as my daughter is similarly situated,  and moved on, unprepared for the shitstorm that followed. @afrobitch47 (not her real tag) said, “congrats?” Then @nappyheadhoe21 (also not her real handle) said “I know right? Does she want a cookie?” Then @nap4life (made that one up, too) throws in some shit about me having a “slave mentality.”

Bitch, what?

So let me set s few things straight here. First, in the effort of full disclosure,  I am a jiggaboo (rather be me than you). My confirmed European ancestry is not only lacking an appearance in my skin tone, but in my hair texture as well.  Without a relaxer, I have hair like a slave. Like a pure, uncut, fresh off the shores of Ghana, slave. So to be clear:

This is not an assault on your choice of hair styles. This is an assault on your excessive bitchiness as it pertains to your constant insistence that anyone with a perm (or who might not *need* a perm) is demonstrating a “slave mentality” for appreciating their silky locs, whether they were achieved naturally or not. So before you engage me on the merits of being chemical free based on some sort of effort to thwart the psychological impacts of The Man, allow me to remind you of some undeniable facts, none of which are based on science, data, or historical accuracy.

Here goes:

Natural isn’t always natural. Why do The Natural Nazis give the Relaxed such a hard time, but they can dye their locs all kinds of orange? So what you’re saying is, I can blow dry the shit out of my hair, causing as much damage as a relaxer, dye it blonde, but slide some dark and lovely on it, and now I’m a victim of the oppressor’s standard of beauty?

Are you serious right now?

Natural Hair isn’t impacting your dating life. But you looking homeless and unloved is. You’re over here thinking men don’t want you because your natural hair indicates a  woman who might be “too strong” for them when in actuality, it might indicate a woman who has questionable personal hygiene. You might struggle in love because you think “natural” means not having to shave your upper lip. Seriously, wax that shit.

Natural hair is not easier/cheaper to care for. There are women who can do their own hair, and there are women who can’t and therefore pay a lot of momey to have someone else do it. A perm doesn’t dictate the difference. Your inability to follow the directions of a youtube video does.

Natural hair ≠ Revolutionary. You’re not an intellectual. You’re not a visionary. You’re not “different.” You’re not making a statement with your hair, unless that statement is, “I’m a pretentious asshole.”

Natural hair is NOT for everyone. This is an undeniableFACT. I recently saw a woman who had chosen to cut her hair into a fade. This is not a good idea if you’re not sure of the actual shape of your head, or the potential to have what appears to be a pack of hotdogs on your neck. Or, most importantly

You’re ugly.

Natural hair  only emphasizes your natural beauty. And if you are unfortunate enough to not have any of that, it only emphasizes the fact that you might look like a wildebeest. Know what you need? Two packs of indian remy, cut with a long side swept bang, Aaliyah style, to hide half of your hideous facade so that I can talk to you without throwing up in my mouth.

I haven’t relaxed my hair in over a year, but I hold that secret close to my chest because I don’t want to be associated with people who think it’s a good idea to make people with hair like Troy Palamalu feel bad about it.

So instead of exposing your own self-consciousness about your own “situation” by telling me what to do with mine, you should probably just…

STFU.*

*I tried. I seriously tried to write a blog where I wouldn’t have to tell someone to STFU, and I failed :/
Oh well.
Please direct your hatemail to idontgivefuck@yamama.com.

*raises black power fist*
Love, peace, and hair grease,

Klkenned
@klkeninja on the twitter

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36 Responses to “You ARE Your Hair: An Open Letter to The Natural Hair Nazis”

  1. LOL! I get so GAT damn tired of hearing the natural chicks on twitter go on and on about their natural hair. I’ve been natural for almost 6years and I NEVER mention it because if I do all of a sudden I have all these new followers and when I check their timeline I want to reach through the screen and slap the f$%K out of them!

    Good, funny post. *goes back to brushing my silky locs* WHAT?

  2. LOL! Girl, I’m a natural, been one for 25 years, and prefer if the whole world of nappy head women, whether black or white (they got some nappy headed white girls out there) would go there with it!!

    But I can’t be gettin’ mad at the 2b’s and 2c’s & I’m not hating on the 3a’s and 3b’s either! AND I refuse to hate on the 1’s whether natural or permed. We got the choice as was stated in Essence about 20 years ago.

    Peeaaaaace! 😉

  3. naturlhairlover Says:

    Blah Blah Blah…. Natural hair is awesome and thats all i have to say…..some folks just want to be just like white folks…. I dont Peace

    • You’re right, natural hair is awesome…it’s the people WITH natural hair that usually aren’t.

      • klkenned Says:

        LMAO! Who said natural hair wasn’t awesome? I HAVE natural, nappy as shit 4c hair. I just don’t have to be a bitch about it…and that, just like this post, has nothing to do with white people…

  4. lol! 1. this is all truth. i cant be one of those chicks who thinks im better because i dont get a perm. lord knows if i had time i’d blow out my hair and you couldnt tell the difference anyway. 2. i blowdried my hair today and tweeted (@kaorijoy) that i look like samuel l jackson from unbreakable. i am currently platting my hair to tame said look. 3 i love telling ppl that i went natural when i was 15 because my hair started falling out, and had nothing to do with my afrocentricity. actually my bf at the time was white, and i like to mention that too, to really fuck with them.

  5. Why do women hate other women so much, we gotta get past this, natural or perm it’s just hair, the write clearly has some issues!

    • klkenned Says:

      Which is exactly the writeR’s point…Apprently you missed the line which said, “This is not an assault on your choice of hair styles…its an assault on your bitchiness…”

  6. Yay! I am so glad el jugo n’ dem are back after such a long hiatus! I loves some ninja parade. I co-sign the youtube reference. I’ve been natural for two years, and everything I try on youtube ends in failure. twists, jojoba oil, silk scarves, hot glue, stocking caps, lost weekends, and tears later, I’m not saving any money and my hair is no healthier. womp.

  7. I’ve heard slave, buckwheat, don king. Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable caused me to stop what I was doing and die. So accurate. I usually look like Wiz Khalifa when it’s all said and done.

  8. dont think i’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting or chatting with klkenned before, and i’m suddenly saddened by this. love the post! …although, i admit, i’m sort of less excited about seeing limp relaxed hair these days. my hair compliment giving is snooty, and bias… *head down* in the words of one of my favorite ninjas, “i’m working on it. i’m not there yet.” lol

  9. Shaundra Heavens Says:

    Im natural…have been for about 7 years. Buuuut, Ive gotta give two fist pumps for this!! Its sooooo incredibly true! I say, to each his/her own 🙂

  10. sigh … i’m tired of people making an issue about the Natural Hair Nazi’s … who cares you obviously don’t.The fact is there are more weaves, braids, relaxed etc. weares than naturals, even with the so called ‘movement’ they are still in the minority. Maybe if the ‘black community’ didn’t have so many issues with ‘thing that naturally comes out of their head ‘, natural hair wearers wouldn’t have their backs up so much. ‘Slave hair’ come on that is so 19th century … that sort of talking needed to stay there … anyway. You offensively degrade natural texture in your post and you wonder why you’ve been called out by the ‘Nazi’s’ … someone needs to check they’re log before they be looking at spec’s now ¬_¬

    • klkenned Says:

      wait, braids don’t count as natural hair?

      I think you and the fellow nazis missed the point -Dont throw stones ins glass house. NEITHER camp is in the space to talk shit about the other. Your personal choices about why you choose to wear your hair the way you do is just that – a personal choice, and therefore, none of anyone else’s business. If you don’t like perms, for whatever reason, don’t get one. That doesnt mean your choice of hair style makes you a smarter/nicer/better person. Its just hair. In any given day, my hair is permed, weaved, braided, wigged, or au natural, and i am still awesome #fact

      And im not sure what “check they’re log before they be looking at spec’s now (strange emoticon)” means…Is that like “check yoself before you wreck yoself?”

      • I was referencing braid extensions .. not braids made from your own natural hair

        hmm I’m sorry but I’m no Nazi (eye roll) – I thought you could have addressed the topic in a more – diplomatic if not less supercilious way which did not have to degrade those with natural hair and loose styles … whether they be a bitch or not

        … at the end of my comment I used a biblical reference this link below may clarify my comments overall intention

        http://theparablesofjesus.blogspot.com/2008/06/speck-and-log-matthew-71-5-luke-641-42.html

        basically to not be a hypocrite – if you don’t want the ‘nazi’s’ biting your ass don’t bark at them – FYI – the emoticon is used for annoyance or ‘side eye’

        no one’s perfect – natural hair doesn’t change the inside/mentality/person-hood and neither will a wig or weave – I agree with you hair is hair – but – being RUDE about one another’s choices – is never going to help – whether in defence or attack

        just my opinion

  11. Here’s a shocking video of what can happen sometimes. Complete baldness and scalp damage. All of her hair follicles are destroyed…

    • klkenned Says:

      I was gonna post a video of a woman who grew locs, they molded from improper care, and her hair fell out from bacterial infection in her scalp, but i thought that would be gross…clearly you don’t share the same sentiment.

  12. Yep. These Nazis have proved the point. Some natural haired ladies really are bitches.

  13. This blog is the most negative and angry thing I have read concerning hair in quite a while. If I was the type to hang on to insults…I could write a list of nasty things people have said to me regarding my hair….you need a comb, naps are ugly, fix that fro…etc. Everyone could be a victim of b***;s and nazis if they allowed themselves to be, relaxed or natural. And Slave hair???? sigh. What we all need to do is to get over insults a little more quickly and be positive to each other. When I was relaxed I never sat around thinking that certain women were too ugly to be natural and should be forced to use chemicals and weave as a result, so that I would not feel the need to barf. Now if that is not b****y, I might need to redefine the word. Now that I am natural I am still not insulting to those who feel the need to relax. Bottom line….your inability to move on from a childish tweet has turned u into what you are so angry at. Most people who are angry and Nazi ish are so because they have been wounded and want to strike first….Keeping that in mind has helped me not to get my panties in a bunch.

  14. I ran stumbled upon this on accident- HOWEVER- although I’m a natural haired sista and i beleive that all relaxed hair isnt damaged and all natural hair isnt healthy. I AGREE with everything you said. Folks need stay in their damn lane and do something about that diarhea of the mouth. Hair is PERSONAL expression, and I rock my hair to please me and me only. I can care less what the next do with theirs ( relax, weave, etc) whatever you do- ROCK IT!

  15. fifties hair styles…

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  17. […] rungs of the hood…and some random dude scamming on a food stamp card.  Nope.  You, your natural hair journey, and your book club can get it too.  Why?  Because you’re attracted to a guy with an […]

  18. I feel you girl some of those natural Nazis are crazy.

  19. Amen. I’ve been natural for two years and two monthes and I’ve been so miserable. The natural hair cult makes me feel having permed hair is a deadly sin. It’s just hair and I can do with it as I please. I’m an inspiration to family members n even strangers on the street but to make my hair look Like this is a lot of work and energy. In the end to all those natural Nazis I can buy some hair but u can’t buy a new face.

  20. I fear that we black women will always find ways to divide ourselves. I’ve about given up. I just flip my waist length, healthy relaxed hair as I glide by, happily living my life. I wish the same happiness for anyone who dares to look down on me.

  21. Sorry. My above response is about the “natural hair nazi” post. I meant no disrespect to the woman whose scalp was so terribly damaged. It is,however, absolutely possible to have thriving, healthy, long relaxed hair. It isn’t even difficult. It just takes patience and knowledge.

    Remember, young women today did not invent the neutral hair movement. It began in the 60’s and eventually just went out of fashion. Don’t worry , it will go out of fashion again. These things always do.

  22. not really i’m natural and i’m not pretentious or bitchy i’m quite nice and why may you ask i have a severe reaction too relaxer’s and hair dye so i am natural bye and yes if not for that i wouldn’t of become the happy nappy girl i am today

  23. Black women are never allowed to feel proud of their appearance at any given time.
    It is truly sad.

    I have never seen other ethnicity criticized as badly as black women, it’s like their very existence is an insult to humanity. From their hair, to the eyes and nose and body.

  24. Natural hair are not for everyone ? so I think Black skin is not for everyone too? It is just skin… not a big deal…

  25. What’s up mates, its fantastic paragraph on the topic of educationand entirely explained, keep it up all the time.

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