Archive for December, 2010

Sideline Breaux Chronicles, Volume 1: You Lookin’ Real Unfamiliar Right Now

Posted in black culture, black people, bustdowns, Global Ninja, niggas, ninjas, Pimpin', sideline hoes on December 16, 2010 by klkenned

*sigh*
There’s been some conversation, “chronicling” if you will, about life on the Sideline. It’s been largely documented as largely male phenomena, but I’d like to clear something up for you all out there. I know I’ve spent some time talking about how to get a man and vice versa, but let me let you in on a little secret:
Not every woman wants a man.
And by “a man” I mean “a boyfriend,” a “husband,” a “relationship” with expectations, boundaries, and obligations and shit. And more specifically, she doesn’t want all that with YOU. Most of you guys seem to be under the erroneous impression that women should be impressed by your good looks, credentials, and “game,” to the point where you seem to think every woman you meet wants to be your wife. They want to lock you down, so you have to lie and manipulate to stroke your ego get what you want. You seem to think you’re so super slick that we can’t see that you ain’t shit. But we can. We know. And half the damn time…We just don’t care!!
People believe that all women are full of emotion and attachment. That she thinks sex is beautiful and to be cherished between 2 people who love each other. You think that she loves every man she dates, that she puts up with your bullshit and your lies because she cares about you.
*Buzzer* WRONG!!!


She puts up with it because she has no interest in actually BEING with you. Game recognize game, Granddad. You’re “practice,” and practice makes perfect – perfect for someone who ain’t you. And what she told me she’d like me to tell you is this familiar, yet little used phrase:
You ain’t gotta lie to kick it.
True story:
Since I’m presently married, let’s just say I know a friend who once knew a young man while back in college. He was a nice enough young fellow, kinda pretty, but seemed to think she didn’t notice 2 things:

  1. He was broke as hell.
  2. He was a man whore (no offense to El Jugo).

As a result, she wasn’t interested in spending time with him, and by “time” I mean “any other time in which they would NOT be fucking.” However, failing to see her disinterest in anything not carnal, he continued to lie about the amount of money he earned, and that the man-faced woman she saw him at the mall with was NOT his girlfriend. But my friend didn’t care about those things cause she didn’t care about him. He was just “company,” so you can imagine she was appalled when he had the audacity to ask for the keys to her sweet off-campus apartment because they were “dating.” Ummmm…Did you notice how she didn’t speak to you when she saw you and Man Face at the mall? Or how about the whole “She only calls you after midnight” thing? Missed that part? Cause if anyone’s ever started a sentence with, “I mean, you cool and all, …” then you’re clearly not dating…

So, let me provide 5 little handy hints on how to properly identify your role as the Sideline Breaux (sounds like Heaux, but bro…it’s creole):

  1. You can’t sleep over.No need to make up excuses about where you’re headed because her roommate “doesn’t like overnight guests.” Or she’s got an 8:00am meeting/appointment/class and needs a good night’s rest which doesn’t involve you trying to cuddle with her. . . Cause she only cuddles with people she likes…like her man which she may or may not already have…but is clearly not you.
  2. You’ve never seen her bedroom.  You only play on the couch, or at your house. Why? Cause her man sleeps there and she doesn’t want to disrespect her relationship. POW!
  3. Don’t ask, don’t tell.  She’s spends a lot of time not asking you where you’ve been because a.) She doesn’t care and b.) She doesn’t want you to feel like its okay for you to do the same. Let’s just keep this shit light, okay?
  4. No PDA.  Even women who don’t like PDA will tolerate the shit from her MAN. But YOU? Naaaaw, buddy. *hands in pockets* No unsanctioned touching and no longing glances from across the room. And stop calling to grab lunch. I already have lunch plans with the guy I’m NOT having sex because I’d like to pursue something serious with HIM. Not YOU. I’LL call YOU…
  5. No Favors.  No, you can’t borrow my car because your car is in the shop. No, you can’t hold a little something till pay day. Don’t you understand that we ain’t friends and that I’m NOT your woman?

And these handy dandy tips all boil down to one key point that I’d like you to internalize in your tiny hearts:
Women are better at keeping a dude on the sidelines then men will EVER BE. Your sad and insatiable desire for pussy to have your ego stroked will always lead to you looking like a simp, and eventually, a lonely simp as the woman you love will leave, your sideline will have met another rapper/baller, one will take her to Cancun unlike your broke ass. Professional sideline heaux can build careers off being a sideline heaux (I see you, Basketball Wives!). Sideline breaux are just happy to be here. No one is paying their rent. Where is their reality show? There isn’t one.

Unless…. [GIANT DISCLAMER]

Unless you are capable of The Ultimate Fuckmedown. *thunder rolls, lightening flashes, cue “I’m Sprung”*
If you’re going to be a Sideline Breaux that is worthy some rent money, a little something to hold until pay day,  and the jeopardization of whatever relationship she may have with the man she intends to really be with, you have GOT to bring the pain, both literally and figuratively. Backs must be blown out, hair pulled, rug burn on the palms of her hands. So if she doesn’t say to you, “I’ve never done that before!” then you, sir, have failed, and no, you can’t stay the night. My roommate doesn’t like overnight guests.

And for the record, Sideline Heaux aren’t the only ones who catch feelings. You think, she’s cool, she’s got some things going for her,  she likes to have sex, she’s secure and she doesn’t make any demands of you and boom! You just might start to really “like” her…then think you’re even “dating” and even try to ask her who that guy was you saw her with at Starbucks (“A caramel macchiato? Noooooooooo!). It happens. But that doesn’t change who you are, Sideline Breaux. In fact, it just complicates things…But, we don’t like being alone, so until we find someone that’s worth cooking for or talking to, you’ll do.

Your friend,

klkenned
Stay Tuned for Part II: Plan B…Please send all your hate mail to me on twitter @klkenned…

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CNN Basic In America: A Portrait of the Basic Bish

Posted in Uncategorized on December 9, 2010 by theninjaparade

<<<Anonymous announcer>>>

 

There’s an epidemic that has been lingering in American streets for over 30 years now…Basic Bishes roam the streets nationwide.

No one really knows where these Bishes came from, or what exactly their purpose is, but one thing is for sure…it appears these bishes are here to stay.

A non-profit group that goes by the name The Ninja Parade ran a PSA on the matter several months ago,  and due to the overwhelming response we sent one of our top correspondents to dig deeper.

Our very own Soledad O’Brien has painstakingly been covering the rise of this horrible counter-culture for the past 13 months.  Our producers have encouraged us to warn you: the images you are about to see contain strong content and may not be suitable for some audiences.

 

Segment 1

Miss Cynthia (Bellwood, IL) “The Basic Cougar”…

<<Announcer Voice>> *long drawn out sigh*  She starts her day as 2nd shift supervisor at Sprint or Comcast call-center (take your pick) she only really still works here because of the steady inflow of under-employed 20 something black men with petty thefts on their records and back child-support that keep getting hired.  Here a$$ is fat and she probably used to be fine, but know she’s just tacky in a fake “baby phat” sweat suit.  Naturally, this basic bish hangs out with chicks that are only slightly older than her oldest son.  She drinks Moscato (heavily), quotes the newest rap lyrics, and yells “heeeeey” when her song comes on (even if it is just her ringtone).  ***Insert highschool yearbook picture of this bish looking like Pepa in the Ahhh Push It video***

Soledad: Miss Cynthia, don’t you think you’re a little oooold to still be wearing liquid leggins?  I mean, you did graduate high school in the Reagan Era?

Miss Cynthia:  *Ronnie from Player’s Club voice* you gotta use what you got to get what you want.

<<cut to Soledad giving this bish the blankest stare ever>>

Soledad:  So wait, you actually believe that dressing and acting the age of your oldest daughter is attractive?

Miss Cynthia:  Solladad, I still got it.  I mean, if a young man wants a muhtour woman…this where its at. *points to self*

<<cut to Soledad giving an even blanker stare than before>>

 

Segment 2

Janessa B. (Memphis, TN) “The Basic Bish Babymama”.

<<Announcer Voice>> This bish STILL hasn’t gotten the message that you don’t “watch” your own children…you raise them.  She’s actually cool with her babydaddy, because he slick stopped fcukin with her a LONG time ago.  Her romantic interests are actually just attempts to find consistent babysitters so she can catch up on kickin’ it.  Since she spent the tender years from age 17 to 23 pregnant…she’s got a LOT of clubbing to make up for. ***insert picture of hapless boyfriend watching her bad ass kids while she ignores his text, as she’s out with her “girls”***  She can often be found with one real designer accessory on and a TON of matching fake shyt, by that same designer as her legion of children trail behind her in Kool-Aid stained t-shirts and snotty noses. ***cut to picture of kid with snotty nose***  This bish must be stopped.

Soledad:  Good evening Janessa.  How does it feel to know that you are considered a Basic Bish by just about everyone who’s ever come in contact with you?

Janessa: Gurl, fcuk them haters.

Soledad: So you’re not concerned with how other’s perceive you?  Our producers talked to your pastor, the shift manager at the last job, and even your mother *insert pic of mother…who looks ironically like Miss Cynthia*.  They all are pretty disappointed in you.

<<cut to Janessa scratching her scalp with an orange rat-tail comb>>

Janessa: Gurl, fcuk them haters. As long as my babies taken care of…fcuk ’em.  They don’t pay no bills around here.

Soledad:  I see.  So do you have a relationship with the father of your 3 children?

Janessa: Fcuk them too!  My last 3 babydaddies wasn’t shyt, ain’t shyt, and ain’t neva gon’ be shyt…I take care of me and mine.

Soledad: *perplexed look on face* Your last 3 baby fathers??  But don’t you only have…err nevermind.

<<cut to live feed of Janessa reaching  off camera to discipline 3 year old  La’Ja’tavion>>

 

Segment 3

Danyelle C. (East Orange, NJ) “The Basic Bish Fashionista”.

<<Announcer Voice>> This bish think she cold, with her drawn on eyebrows and 3rd degree burn from where she burned herself with the flat-irons.  She changes her FB and Twitter pics literally every…single…day.  ***insert FB profile pic of this bish in her 97 Camry seatbealted in grinning with big sunglasses on***  98.768% of her is fake…all the way down to her personality.  She destroys her all ready sus credit on “Black Friday”, going into massive debt, yet still hasn’t managed to look any less basic.  She wash/rinses/and repeats that foolishness on income tax season and manages to look ironically even more basic in the glow of the spring sun.  ***insert pic of this bish in front of an airbrushed sheet after income tax time with weave she “ordered online for $400 a pack…because it’s “virgin” (bish we know that’s the same $27 a pack shyt them Koreans been selling)***

<<Soledad & Danyelle sitting in the food court at King of Prussia Mall in PA>>

Soledad:  Is it true that you spent over $6000 on Black Friday?

Danyelle: *brushing weave over shoulder* Girl, hell yeah…I had to beat them bishes to the best sales.

Soledad:  Wow.  $6000 worth of sale priced merchandise?  You seem to still look pretty basic though?  And would you mind taking off your sunglasses?

Danyelle: girl please, I got all that shyt on my vacation to the ATL.

Soledad: So wait, ATL is a “vacation”?

Danyelle: Yeah gurl, ain’t you ever been to Lennox Mall?

Soledad: Well yes but..

Danyelle: *interrupting* Me and my divas go right before we hit All Star Weekend.

Soledad: Oh so you’re a basketball fan?

<<cut to live shot of Danyelle completely ignoring Soledad while reapplying yet another coat of lip gloss>>

Soledad: *shaking head* this bish here.  Cut.