Archive for June, 2010

Put a Ring On It, The Sequel: Dear Gentlemen…

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , on June 29, 2010 by klkenned

Dear Gentlemen,

Like I mentioned to the ladies, I am married. I am married to a very happy man who tells me often, “Man, I am so glad I married you.” Want to know why?

Because there are many, many benefits to marriage, one of which is a nice late night sandwich (with lettuce and tomato) after sex. Want some peanut butter crackers while you work on your proposal, Hon? Coming right up! All that wonderful advice I offered to the ladies last time was just for the audition. It gets better when she gets the part.

But how do you get a woman like that? “How do I-I-I get a woman who cooks, and cleans, and lets me watch the game with my friends without trying to talk to me about what she read on Bossip today? How can I find a girl who does things that make my toes curl and does so without saying shit like “This tastes funny” *mood killer*?” Let me help you out. There are some misconceptions and preconceived notions about women – things that have even led you to believe that you, boys, are the superior sex. I will not mock you or throw stones at your ignorance, but I will let you in on a few secrets that will enable you to finally understand why all you seem to deal with are hood rats or those suffering from an acute case of Gabrielle Union Syndrome. Honestly guys, it’s time to step your dating game up. I know plenty of single women who make a lot of money and got a lot of stamps on their passports, but aren’t interested in you because you.are.wack. I know you’re all like, “I’m not looking for a serious relationship right now, anyway.” But I and the old raggedy pillow you’ve had since 7th grade sleep away camp and hold oh so closely at night in your cold, lonely bed know the truth.
If you know my work, this may look familiar…

  • Read. I’m not saying subscribe to Oprah magazine, or start hosting book clubs at your house (not a bad idea? WRONG – lots of educated ladies, lots of really boring conversation). I’m saying that you need to try to understand the feminine perspective. I recommend something light because I know you all have short attention spans, so start off with something man oriented, yet handy, like Esquire. In fact, if you don’t subscribe to Esquire, then you should stop reading here because you clearly can’t read.
  • Keep a clean house. Are you 30 years old, and still have 1 set of  plaid sheets? Do you still have that raggedy ass leather sofa from undergrad with all kinds of DNA samples in the living room of your moldy smelling apartment? Do you sleep on an air mattress stacked on top of some storage containers because the bed you “ordered” is “on the way?” If the answer is yes, then you, sir, are an undateable (like an untouchable, but based on the reality of the situation instead of some mde up cultural crap) and if you meet a woman who takes note of the above, and proceeds without comment, then SURPRISE! She won’t mind that moldy cheese smell cause she’s a fucking.hood.rat. Period.
  • I have asked the ladies to STFU. However, gentlemen, STFU a.) goes both ways and b.) has to be earned. What I mean by “earned” is that you can’t run off and do stupid shit, and think your girl isn’t supposed to say anything about it. Don’t stroll into the house with lipstick on your collar, blood on your shirt, and one shoe on and say, “I don’t want to talk about it right now,” and wonder why she cussed your ass out.  And really guys, you aren’t fooling anyone with “women gossip, men don’t.” One of the most endearing traits of a dear friend of mine is his refusal to share the intimate details of his encounters with women. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ASS YOU CAN GET IF YOU JUST STFU???  I feel like I need to say that again.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ASS YOU CAN GET IF YOU JUST STFU???

Honestly, I just gave you the keys to the fucking city. Not only do you cut your drama quotient IN HALF but women will look at your cool dismissal of personal inquiries as you being an International Man of Mystery.  AND they will do FREAKY shit to you if they are confident that all your frat brothers aren’t waiting in the living room waiting for you to come out and show them the highlights video. Which leads me to another point – a point that I don’t think I need to mention to the ladies because, as the superior sex, we know better…

  • Watch the company you keep. I know your best friend from the hood (you know, that nigga Craig who sleeps on the sofa?) has hit a rough patch, and you’re just helping him out, but its shady dudes like that you have to watch out for. Not only will his weed smelling, free loading ass hide in the closet and videotape your sexual encounters without your consent, but he will then hit on your girl while you’re in the shower. Don’t act like you don’t know people like this, and I’m telling you now, lose these people. Stat. There is nothing worse than going to a dude’s house and watching some creepy ass spook creep out of the broom closest that’s doubling as your guest bedroom, and slink into the kitchen to a.) see what you look like and b.) take note of where you left your purse so he can steal your identity. He’s not your wingman, he’s your albatross.
  • I said, ladies, get your head game right. I would like to say that tenfold to you clit gnawing, lip sucking coochie monsters out there. WHO told you my vagina + your teeth = a good idea? Do you WANT me to kabong you on the top of your head? Did you see that in a movie and thought it would be a good idea to suck like the antidote is in there? Cause it’s not. . .And speaking of movies, I would like to remind the fellas that porn is fake, so strolling into the bedroom with a bottle of cooking oil cause you saw that shit on Booty Talk #32 isn’t a good idea. What they didn’t show you on Booty Talk was the Monistat Alexxxis had to buy after that scene (ewwww). And NO, you can’t shoot jizz on my chin, forehead, or the back of my knee. Stop it. Really, you just need to be happy to be here, and get out of here with that weirdo porn shit. Oh and that whole, “its not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” shit is just a little something we say to make you feel better. Sorry.
  • Guys, be a man. Not an asshole, a douche bag, a deadbeat, a drunk, a loser, or on that little boy shit. I don’t need to state that you should take care of your kids, be respectful, blah blah blah. However, I DO need to state that if you think making people feel less by being condescending is the best way to have fun, than your dick is smaller than you’d like to think it is. Much, much smaller.  If you think fighting in the club is still cool, then you deserve to be with that ride or die hood rat chick who will fight right along beside you. You go ahead and be The Old Nigga in the Club, and I’ll be at home, criminal case free, making a sandwich for my criminal case pending-free husband.

And while I’m talkin shit, lemme just add that women aren’t the only one with daddy issues. That nigga didn’t love you either, and now you’re running around here talking about “you don’t love no heauxs.” REALLY? You and I both know that all you want is someone to love your ashy ass. Or maybe your daddy WAS around. And maybe him being around was the best example of how to treat a woman like shit. Either way, you need to get over yourself and realize that just because your daddy didn’t love you don’t mean you should NOT love anyone else.

I hope I’m not coming off too preachy, and I’m not saying, “This is how you find your wife.” These are just a few tips to keep women from posting fucked up videos about your bunk bed on YouTube (take note, Young Money). Cause, like my boy El Jugo said, “Everyone ain’t able.” I’m just saying, it’s time for you to hang up your *I Heart Bustdowns* t-shirt and get like me…

Yours in the Struggle,

Klkenned

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The 7 Ghettoest Things in America

Posted in Global Ninja with tags , , , , , on June 28, 2010 by theninjaparade

One of my fellow bloggers challenged me to name the ghettoest things in America.  It has taken me almost 2 whole days because I can’t stop laughing long enough to get it done.

But alas, here we are.

7. “Flip Flop”/Chameleon Paint: Yes, people still do this. Yes, it’s still just as ghetto as it was the first time you saw it. Flip-Flop paint is extra ghetto because there’s really no way to tastefully do it. I intentionally left rims off the list because rims are becoming “mainstream” now, with most automakers offering factory chrome rims right off the lot now. But there’s no way in the fu*k you can pull up to your job in a suburban office (doing ANYTHING) and not attract negative attention from a) your supervisor, b) local law enforcement. Sorry.

6. Lace Front Wigs & The Infamous “27 Piece”: Lace Fronts and 27 Pieces, by themselves, are not ghetto and have been used for some time to enhance the appearance of women all over the country. It is the ABUSE of Lace Front Wigs and 27 Pieces that makes them flagrantly ghetto. Sweet Jesus…I’ve seen 27 Pieces that looked like football helmets and Lace Fronts that give women a hair line like a Cabbage Patch kid. Stop it ladies.

5. Wine Black ‘n Milds. Wine Blacks are ghetto and you know it! First of all, only ghetto niggas and even more ghetto white folk even smoke them. Secondly, you can kinda only find them in the hood. I’ve been to many a location that only sells regular blacks (which are ghetto, but not as much). [Note: if you still “freak” blacks, or even loosen them up so that about a quarter inch of tobacco remains in the wrapper…you are the epitome of ghetto]

(since we’re on the subject of wine)

4. Moscato. Yeah you nigga. It’s your fault. Rappers (of all people) can find a way to make just about anything ghetto. But wine? Really? I’m all for my people stepping out and trying something new, but the method & frequency of cunsumption is what has turned the delicately flavored sweet wine into a ghetto favorite. Hell, it might as well be sold in 40oz bottles with twist off tops…wait a minute. Nevermind. This shit is ghetto.

3. Facebook.  I love Facebook, recently I defected to twitter because it allowed me to post even more random things than I already do (@DPdaJuice), but “the Book” is a source of constant hood hilarity.  Everything from flagrantly misspelled professions of love…to ALL CAPS “hit em up” diss tracks to a babydaddy can be found on a typical Facebook screen.  Not to mention my Monday morning ritual of looking at club pics from the weekend before…classic.  I remember, back in the day, when only a verifiable college student email address could open an account…ooooh how the mighty have fallen.

2. Dashes, Hyphens, and the Bastardization of “African” and “French” names. *sigh* C’mon son.  We’ve got to do better.  I know we have an African American President, but that does not, I repeat, DOES NOT equal living in a post racial society. In short, racism is alive an well.  And yes, people (usually people who decide who get jobs/resources) do judge based off names.  If you want your child to be unique, try spending time with them, developing unique interests/talents, and encouraging them…a unique name, in many cases, just means them being unfairly judged.  It ain’t right…but it’s real.  I have seen it with my own eyes.  And before you go and list: Oprah, Barack, etc…please be cognizant of their resumes and tenacity to get to the top, and also aware that even though they’ve “made it” their journey could’ve been that much easier had they been named otherwise.

1. Facial tattoos (and others).  Nothing says “Don’t hire me” like a tat on the face.  Nothing.  And by face, I also include neck.  Again, we live in a society where people are judged on many levels, usually appearance is the first filter.  I have several tattoos and fraternity brands, but I didn’t get one that was visible while I was fully clothed until I was working on my masters and had years of experience in corporate America.  Add to that: even on a social tip, people tend to judge.  The infamous lower-back  (commonly referred to as the “tramp stamp”) tattoo usually triggers the word “slut” in the mind of most men.  Kinda like how a tongue ring triggers “good head”.  Knowing this, you almost have to accept the unfair judgments that come with the territory.

***Honorable Mention: Gold Teeth….for obvious reasons.

Why Educated Black Men Won’t Settle Down

Posted in Pimpin' with tags , , , , on June 27, 2010 by theninjaparade

…they are extremely arrogant and definitely aware of their self-worth.

Those are the words of a black woman who loves black men, commenting on educated black men. It was in no way a “man bash”, only an observation about trends amongst educated black men that she knows. Does she proclaim that ALL educated brothas are like this? Nope. But is that attitude (and others) prevalent among the accomplished masses? Damn right. [NOTE: I chose a picture of President Obama and First Lady Obama because they have become the new “gold standard” for progressive black romance…and also the very thing that many educated black men appear to be uninterested in.]

Just last week, a female that I hold in very high regard echoed the same idea. She has grown tired of all of the articles on “why can’t black women find a man” articles on the internet and tv. She pointed out that all this negative press about black women reflects an attitude on the streets (amongst many men) that sistas are clueless, and therefor hopeless when it comes to men and dating. And, most importantly, that it’s always the black woman’s shortcomings that appear to be put on blast. She’s either: not submissive, too opinionated, self-entitled, domineering, selfish, hypocritical, too much baggage, too many kids, unsupportive, opportunistic…or just a flat out mean-spirited b1tch, etc. I’ve heard it all before.

I‘m not here to confirm or deny any of those claims, in fact, this post isn’t even really about black women. It’s about us…the “educated” black men of a neighborhood near you. For the sake of conversation we’ll define “educated” as:
– at least a Bachelors degree
– gainfully employed
– above average earning [NOTE: not earning potential…but actually earning]
– under the age of 35
– heterosexual
– single (not “separated” or “we’re about to get a divorce” but for real single and not legally tied to any woman)

Admittedly, this represents a pretty small group…when you look at the entire picture, but there are literally hundreds of thousands of these men walking the streets. For all practical intents and purposes this group is the male version of the “typical” female who is depicted in the “why can’t she find a man” articles. I did a rather un-scientific survey of about 110 females that I know; simply asking what are some stereotypes of educated single black men and why they’re still single. The response was swift and surprisingly pretty limited. The same 4-5 things KEPT coming up. And upon follow-up, women weren’t really sharing stereotypes, they were sharing their own struggles trying to find/date a “good” guy.

Here’s what I found:

1– Numbers. Let’s get the obvious shit out the way first, there are waaaaaay more sistas that have themselves together than men. There may be a lot of reasons for this: raising our daughters to not trust/depend on black men, cats getting caught up on the criminal justice system early, ignorance, poverty, the list goes on. All I know is, I went to a Historically Black University and there were WAAAAY more women than men. Parlay that into corporate America and we see brothas who know full well that if they weren’t a doctor/engineer/lawyer/manager/preacher/educator/Indian chief/whatever, that they wouldn’t have NO HEAUX…none! The numbers are in our favor and we know it. Crazy thing is, it’s still kinda only the Top 25% of educated brothas that get all the women anyway…which further frustrates the situation if women want a guy to be educated AND attractive. So educated brothas have minimal motivation to settle down because the pool of women is so large.

2– Arrogance. This is very closely related to, if not rooted in, point 1. It’s so easy to start smelling yo own piss with a couple degrees in hand and some money in your pocket [NOTE: especially if you *juvenile voice* ain’t nevvvaa haaadd shit]. Not to mention, we’re often riding the wave of sexual conquest from college and our early 20’s…so a guy can have the affirmation of being successful, having plenty of heaux, and KNOWING that he can continue at this pace until he dies. Knowing those things, makes a man arrogant. And arrogance, by itself, isn’t why men don’t settle down or what to settle down…quite the contrary, arrogance is what’ll make a good woman stop fucking wit a nigga all-together. As thirsty and aggressive as some sistas are to get married, there are some things that even THEY won’t put up with. And arrogance is a violation that get’s tired real quick. Shiiiiiit, a cheater will get a pass before an arrogant nigga…at least you don’t have to see/hear the cheating everyday, but you are always confronted with a man reminding you of who he is, what he has, where he’s been, and what he’s done.

3- Sexual Prowess. Smart people are freaky. Sex is a stress reliever. Add those two statements together and you potentially have a sexual hurricane on your hands. I’ve noticed in my own dating of women from all backgrounds that those who are less educated, tend to have had fewer sexual partners and fewer “erotic” sexual tendencies than those who are extra-educated (they just some freaks). When I listen to my male friends talk, the ones who aren’t as educated have had fewer partners and experiences than the ones with education. And for men, sexual conquest sets the tone for his sexual appetite. A lot of educated brothas I know travel a lot, work out a lot, read a lot, and have a LOT of sex. That can be intimidating for some women to even be with a man who has miles like that. And he may think that one woman couldn’t possibly satisfy him because he’s so used to sexual conquest in different social circles, cities, states, and even countries. Some niggas really are dogs.

4- Schedule. Being successful, in just about anything, is time consuming. The more money is at stake the more the investment of time will have to be. Add to that a lot of brothas who are out pursuing their dreams believe that we have to be twice as good as our white counterparts to succeed. That takes time. I know guys that have devoted their whole 20’s in pursuit of their dreams, taking very little time to do things like date or be in love. Ironically, our drive and focus is a turn on to most women…but they soon realize that’s just a detached fantasy and that he’ll probably be more in love with his dreams/goals than he is with his woman. Not every sista is down to take a backseat to a man’s career aspirations. The second part to this scenario is when he “arrives”, or reaches the first set of big goals that he had for himself. The natural reaction is to “live it up”…enjoy the money, status, prestige, and women/sex that come with all of his hard work. I mean, what’s the point of devoting 7+ years of post-high school education and/or climbing the ladder if you can’t enjoy all the new pu$$y and money that comes with it? A LOT of brothas feel this way. Quiet is kept, this is why half of them grind so hard and put in so many long hours.

5- Keepin’ it Real. To be honest, I was actually surprised at how many times this came up in the feedback I got from women. I’m not going to go into how there’s no concrete “black experience” and that black people are complex, with many varied experiences, classes, and values…but I will concede that there is a dominant “experience” and THAT is very much located in “the hood”. The hood isn’t entirely ghetto, but does carry many of the themes and midsets of poverty and “the struggle”. A lot of guys, as they progress in their careers, do loose touch with where they came from (which is presumably, but not always, the hood). Loosing touch is a babystep away from frontin’, and frontin’ is time consuming and expensive. Especially if you frontin’ for some new muthafukas. With that level of frontin’ going on, dude may not have time to date or authentically get to know someone because he’s too busy keeping up with his new surroundings and he damn sure doesn’t wanna be seen with no “around the way” girl.

*6- White Women. Yeah I said it. I had to put an asterisk next to it because: although marrying/dating a white woman isn’t really a reason “why educated black men won’t settle down”…it is seen as problematic in the eyes of many as to why so many black on black unions never happen. There is a perception that the more educated black men tend to date outside of their race (or are more likely to date outside) than less educated black men, and for that matter black woman period. This is probably true, or at least has some truth to it. Although I’m not sure there’s that huge of a spike of “educated” vs. non-educated brothas, in terms of dating outside their race…it just seems like it kills morale when a super-successful black dude marries a white woman, given that there are so relatively few super-successful black dudes. [NOTE: nobody really cares if a broke nigga ends up with a white woman] And the media, especially media geared towards black women, doesn’t help this at all. The successful black man leaves the faithful black woman who’s supporting him since he was broke as hell for…a white woman, is a all too common theme in movies and music. The reality is, the closer a man get’s to the top, the more exposure to white people he’ll probably have. Long hours at the office can lead to romance…I’m just sayin.


So there, that’s just a mini-summary of the feedback I got.  I’m sure there’s more to discuss.

4 Great Myths & Conspiracies: Paranoia in the Hood

Posted in Uncategorized on June 25, 2010 by theninjaparade

“At night I can’t sleep, I toss and turn. Candle sticks in the dark, visions of bodies being burned. Fo’ walls just staring at a nigga. I’m paranoid, sleeping with my finger on the trigger…” – Scarface

We can be REAL scary sometimes.  [Note: By “we” i’m tombout black folks]  Not scary as in “boo” scary, but scary as in Ghetto Boyz, “My Mind’s Playing Tricks on Me”, paranoid scary.

Anybody with the internet, or has been to a barbershop within the last year has probably come across a bootleg DVD that proclaims to expose a MASSIVE conspiracy. There are almost countless volumes of the DVD’s and they purport to expose everything from the deaths of Tupac, Biggie, and Michael Jackson as ritualistic sacrifices…to an elite circle of decision makers that decide everything from who’s going to be President to the NBA finals.

But even before folk starting hustling DVD’s, conspiracy theories and paranoia ran rampant in the hood.  Fear breeds superstition and conspiracy theory, although not EVERY myth or conspiracy is rooted in fear, so are born out of self-hatred.   A friend of mine is a sociologist and interesting person to talk to about all things involving black folk and she commented that, “Superstition and conspiracy theories are very much a part of our community. They’re distorted truths. On one hand, so many ridiculous and unconscionable things happened to Black America since arriving here that anything was almost believable.”

Fair enough.  I can see how the atrocities of the transatlantic slave trade, slavery, Jim Crow, and modern day infrastructural racism can leave one with a very distorted sense of reality…especially when it comes to harm being dealt from any oppressive force.  It has created a distrust (especially among black men) of government, corporate America, organized healthcare/medicine, and the media.

That being said: some shit is just too got damn ridiculous to buy into.  It just is.  Or at the very least, it’s too got damn ridiculous to believe TO THE DEGREE that some niggas do. I’m not immune either, I’ve bought into my fair share.

1- Natural Disasters.  I have literally heard with my own ears, a grown man profess that the United States military as a tool/weapon that can cause hurricanes. Not only can it cause hurricanes…it caused hurricane Katrina.  And this was done because there were/are so many black people in New Orleans.  Really? C’mon son. Even if the government could cause hurricanes: why destroy a spot that EVERYBODY likes to kick it?  Why not aim the hurricane gun at somewhere we don’t like (North Korea, Iran, Cuba, etc.)?? And why virtually bankrupt an insurance industry that ISN’T owned by poor black people in New Orleans?  Did I mention we have an earthquake machine that caused that joint in Haiti too? GTFOH

2- Tupac. This one exists on two levels.  On one hand, you have folk that’ll swear on a stack of bibles that Tupac is alive.  On the other hand, you got folk that think he’s dead, but his murder is part of an elaborate government/secret society plot to destroy a gifted, controversial,  and outspoken rapper.  The first one is one of those that’s too got damn ridiculous to buy into, so we’ll move on to the next.  This one may have some truth to it…not really in the sense that the Freemasons/Government/Illuminati wanted Tupac murdered, but that someone did conspire his death.  That’s more so based on the way he died.  The details of his murder appear to be more of an organized “hit” and less of a random act of violence.  That said, I doubt very seriously that anybody other than some niggas Tupac knew that had him killed. But that’s kinda the case with most murders in the hood.

(and since we mentioned it)

3- Illuminati. This one probably should have been first.  Belief that secret societies secretly rule the world isn’t unique to the black community, but it hasn’t been until recently that we see a stream of thought about: Hip-Hop and the Illuminati.  Proclaiming that notable figures in the rap game (including but not limited to: Sean Puff Daddy P. Diddy Dirty Money Combs, JayZ, Beyonce, Bone Thugs, etc.) are all a part of a global conspiracy to spread secret images, corrupt minds, and make money.  Sometimes niggas will use “reasoning” to back up just about anything. Of course, the obvious counter-argument as to why they can’t produce any fact to their claims would be “because it’s secret”, kinda kills any attempt to logically understand their position, and also begs the question…”if it’s so damn secret, how the hell do you know?” Dah welp. We got some major problems in the hood when niggas think RAPPERS secretly rule the world.

4- Indian in my family. *sigh* Why can’t we just be happy being black? I’d say about 50% of the lightskinded people I know believe this one. That they are somehow descended from Native American ancestry. Dr. Henry L. Gates Jr (ya’ll remember him, Pres. Obama’s boy that got hassled by the cops in front of his own house) is actually a renowned scholar and did an interesting study on genealogy (or the study of ancestry). Gates, like myself, was always suspicious of black folk who claimed to have “Indian” in they family. Even going as far as to name tribes and whatnot, simply because grandmama had “good” hair, high cheekbones, or any other characteristic that we attribute to Native Americans. Gates genetically tested people who SWORE to have Indian blood, only to reveal they didn’t have one drop. (not even a little bit). Welp, the study concluded that it would be virtually impossible for 99.99999% (you get the point) of blacks who claim to have “Indian” in their family, to actually be telling the truth. ESPECIALLY if your family is from the deep south…which most black folks are. I didn’t really need a scientific study to know that niggas with “Indian” in their family was some bullshyt…because knowing a lil bit of history, when would black folks have met/had sex with indians??? In slavery? Nope. On Indian reservations? Nope, escaped slaves were worth $$ and would have probably gotten snitched on quick. (Post-slavery, tribal nations were recognized so race-mixing wouldn’t have been as encouraged) Soooooo…if you got “good” hair and claim “indian” you probably just white.

I’m sure ya’ll can think of a whole lot more.

If You Want to Win You Must Move Without the Ball

Posted in Pimpin' with tags on June 16, 2010 by Dizzer

In the spirit of the NBA finals I would like to introduce you to a concept that I coined several years ago when talking about men and women in relationships. Its called “Moving Without The Ball” For all of you out there who are not familiar with the term moving without the ball is something that basketball coaches around the world preach to their teams. Players should move around the court even if they do not have the ball so that they can become open and get an open look at the basket and a clear shot. For the best real life example of this check out Ray Allen in a game because that dude is constantly moving without the ball. When one stands in the same spot on the court they are easy to guard and consequently will not get passed the ball because a member of the defense is right there to get a steal or block the shot.

Now let me relate “Moving Without The Ball” to relationships. First off let me be clear that both men and women should move without the ball. But since I am not a woman I will be speaking from a males point of view on this topic. From my 30 years of observation of the opposite sex there are so many women out in the world who do not move without the ball when it comes to their personal dating lives. So many women think that being cute, being a woman, having a job, and breathing entitles them to having a man. This falsehood could be no further from the truth. No woman is entitled to having a man or being in a relationship that is why if you visit any baptist church you will see 40+ year old single women thirsty for a man. And when I say thirsty I mean so many women thirst as if they have been roaming through the Sahara Desert for 30 days. Its kind of sad. Anyway there are certain things that women can do that allows them to get open and get that clear shot at a healthy forward moving relationship. So I am going to give you 10 steps that will help you move without the ball and get that open look.

10 Steps to “Moving Without the Ball”

1. Smile – No one is going to approach you to talk if you walking around mean mugging every one that walks by. It won’t kill you to smile and speak sometimes.

2. Stop traveling in packs – most good men feel intimidated approaching a woman who is by herself so why are you going to complicate things by frequenting your favorite lounge with 5 of your homegirls. Travel with 1 friend 2 max.

3. Develop yourself while you are single – don’t just think that work and home and going to church on Wednesday and Sunday is enough. Develop yourself as a person. Find out what interests you, pick up a hobby, read a book that doesn’t have anything to do with relationships from time to time. Men wan to feel like they can have a decent conversation with you so please be interesting and have something to talk about.

4. Work out – this is not only good for moving without the ball and having more men find you and approach you, but it is also good for you as an individual and your over all health.

5. Learn how to cook – seriously do women do this anymore. The old saying that the quickest way to a man’s heart is through is stomach does hold some weight. Cooking is fundamental.

6. Cut down on male friends – if you are a woman who has an absurd number of male friends you might want to trim down the number to 1 or 2. Guys see warning flags when a woman has too many heterosexual male friends.

7. Study what you want – if you like a certain type of dude study to see what interests him. Find out where guys like that hang out. Make sure you spend time in those places. A man can’t find you if you are not out and about to be found.

8.Obey your thirst – there are some women out there who want to be in a relationship and then there are those who don’t. If you are in the group of women who wish to be in a relationship consider yourself thirsty. And what does one do when they are thirsty? The go get a drink. Thirst is not a negative thing. I would say guys are always thirsty but that kind of obvious like calling water wet.

9. Relax – don’t have relationship written on your forehead. When a man approaches you if it ends up in a date then cool. Don’t expect this to be “the one” just be easy with it and have a good time. If it is meant to be then it will.

10. Build a team – a team atmosphere works great when dating. Don’t put all of your eggs in one basket. Develop a squad of about 3-5 people that you enjoy spending time with. Over time the one who is really worth your time will reveal themselves.

There you go ladies. A step by step booklet for you to get to get your game on track.

-Dizzer

The Kobe Files: “Thangs Just Ain’t the Same fa Gangstas…”

Posted in Ninja Sports with tags , , , , , on June 15, 2010 by theninjaparade

Kobe Bryant: Nobody likes this dude. Nobody.

No, seriously. Aside from die-hard Laker fans (…and even some of them slick resent his ass), nobody likes this dude.

He is, however, great. And greatness, like most things, is relative to the arena in question. Whether a person is one of the fastest package handlers at FedEx Ground, or one of the greatest athletes on earth. There’s something to be said about, and learned about, a great person. Like how to deal with intense opposition. And opposition is where the relativity of greatness stops. Nobody really gives a fu*k if you’re the fastest package handler at FedEx Ground…but if you’re an elite athlete in THIS millennium, all of the sudden you’re greatness attracts…detractors.

The Kobe-hate is personal. When I look at Facebook and Twitter sometimes, I really think some people would do harm to Kobe if they saw him on the streets. I’m not even really sure why people hate Kobe so much. Aside from his on-the-court play, nothing about him strikes me as extraordinary. But people hate Kobe…with a passion. It cuts deeper than basketball too. Folk really cannot STAND Kobe. I just don’t get it though.

Here are my theories why people hate Kobe so much:

1- The Dry Snitch Heard ‘Round the World. Kobe is the poster-child for dry snitching. According the The LA Times, Kobe told officers (while being investigated for the whole ass-raping thing) that he should have “just followed Shaq’s example and just paid women to not say anything” AND “…that Shaq had already spent over a million dollars” keeping these heaux quiet. Hol up…now I’m not in favor of the whole ‘Stop Snitching’ movement when it comes to not exposing violent crimes (or any crimes that hurt the community)…but Kobe snitched on Shaq and his sideline heaux, in which case ‘Stop Snitching’ does apply. Niggas, understandably, hate ANY type of snitching because of the code they live by on the streets. Understandable. But we ALL have somebody that we know and love that has probably snitched. A tell-tale sign is if you know someone that has been involved in illegal activity for more than 5+ years and has never really done ANY time for real…they’ve probably snitched. As you think of you’re friends and relatives that YOU know live a life of crime, and think about the 1 or 2 that haven’t done ANY time, that becomes a very tough pill to swallow. Hood-truth: The system is set-up for you to do some sort of time (especially if you’re involved in narcotics). It just is. But if you can love your snitchin ass cousin, why can’t you get over Kobe? [Note: you niggas watch First 48…ya’ll know it goes down everyday] I just don’t get it.

2- Kobe Fatigue. With the exception of those puppet commercials…niggas pretty much hate everything about Kobe. Kobe doesn’t even get talked about in terms of “how I like the other team/player”…it’s always how “I hate Kobe”, or how “I want Kobe to loose”, or better yet “Anybody BUT Kobe”. There’s a series of commercials that feature Kobe with other legends, and for the better part of 15 years he has been basically everywhere (with a brief break for the whole ass-raping thing). There are some people who hate Kobe simply because they’re tired of his ass. Here’s the thing though. Kobe isn’t the most exposed athlete, or even the most exposed figure in the media. We could argue that Jay-Z and Beyonce are 10X more exposed in the media than Kobe. And their exposure actually hurts other artists who aren’t affiliated with them. The more we see “Jayonce”, the less we can possibly see of other artists thus taking away from precious marketing time/exposure. The more we hear them on the radio/videos (Beyonce especially) the less spin other artists get. Kobe just plays basketball, and RARELY does he do a commercial by himself. Shit, and he’s not stopping anybody’s shine…at the time of publishing this blog, the Lakers are down 3-2 against the Celtics in the Championship. If you can be all “Crazy in Love”, or still nod your head to “Empire State of Mind” after 13 gazillion times…you can get over a few Kobe commercials. I just don’t get it.

3- The Asshole Factor. This one kind of confuses me. American society, in general, has a love-hate relationship with jerks, especially of the more arrogant variety. We make note of their jerkiness, while subtly giving them a pass as long as they continue to perform. Kobe Bryant, love him or hate him, will go down in history as arguably the greatest basketball player of all time. That being said: Kobe isn’t even a bigger asshole as the current consensus G.O.A.T….Michael Jordan. Funny thing is, you wouldn’t even really know Mike was an asshole unless you’ve ever: a) met him in person, drunk as hell and talking loud (which I have), or b) saw his NBA Hall of Fame acceptance speech (which I did) where he slick talked BAD about everybody, even people who helped him along in his career. Asshole move. But hey, it’s Mike, he’s the man *extends his Airness a pass*. Kobe get’s no such pass. Funny thing is…aside from the Dry Snitch Heard ‘Round the World, we’ve never really heard Kobe say shit about anything but basketball. He does his mandatory interviews, kisses his wife & kids, and keeps it movin’. Sure he complains about calls, but working the refs (for team leaders and coaches) is PART OF THE GAME. And apparently, he has some sort of mythical asshole swag, similar to the “ora” that surrounded Rick James. Either way…if you’re reading this blog, you probably have an asshole in your life that you love dearly. Why not Kobe? I just don’t get it.

4- Michael Jordan: There is a LARGE constituency of Kobe-haters that are dead-set on undermining this man’s career, skills, and accomplishments. Furthermore, any comparison to Michael Jordan is forbidden. Although Mike never snitched on anybody, for two of the three previous reasons…Mike has Kobe faded (pun intended). Michael Jordan is the most media saturated athlete ever. Period. THAT dude was literally everywhere, solo. And he’s, by most accounts, a HUGE asshole in person. But, like we said…Mike gets a pass where Kobe does not. Add to that…although Kobe will amass more numbers because he’ll have a longer career, his average numbers in just about every category will probably be lower than MJ’s. So we’ll essentially have Kobe scoring more than Mike, but averaging less. So unless Kobe out-championships Mike, Jordan is the man on paper. But it’s not all about numbers, it can’t be, if that were the case Wilt Chamberlain would be considered the best and we’d be done with it. But since Kobe patterned his game after Mike (which by the way was a BRILLIANT idea), somehow he draws resentment. What kid who grew up in the 90’s DIDN’T want to be Michael Jordan? Kobe just had enough talent and physical ability to come close. I just don’t get it.

5- Laker Fans. I may be one of the few people that hates the Lakers, but likes Kobe. I hate the Lakers because being from the Chicago area and a die-hard Bulls fan that suffered through the heartbreaking losses to the Pistons in the Eastern Conference finals; a blown call that robbed Pippen of a solo shot at the Finals against the Knicks; and the post-MJ “The Tony Kukoc era”, “The Elton Brand/Ron Artest era”, “The Jamal Crawford era”, and about 3-4 other “eras” before the Bulls put another solid team on the floor…while the Lakers were winning titles and being all competitive and shit, I hate them dudes. Not only are they hated because of their team on the court; Laker fans are assholes. Maybe fans of ultra successful franchises are all assholes, because Yankee’s fans & Cowboy’s fans are assholes too. That being said. No other franchise with asshole fans generate as much hate for their superstar as the Laker faithful. People don’t hate Derek Jeter or A-Rod (and dude got popped with steroids); people don’t hate Emmit Smith and Michael Irvin (and dude got popped with heaux and cocaine…more than once, and he wears sus suits)…but they hate Kobe and will use his fans to justify it. I just don’t get it.

In some ways we can make a good case that Kobe is just a random personality-less athlete.  In a lot of ways, he’s no different from any other athlete, entertainer, or person.  But I know that won’t stop the hate, for whatever reason.

Feel free to add any of your conspiracy theories on why people (…or just why you) hate Kobe.

Soulja Boy Tell’em: The Myth of “Real” Hip-Hop

Posted in Music with tags , , on June 14, 2010 by theninjaparade

As a very observant 29.5 year old black man from a black community…I’ve heard just about every classic rap song/album, and seen just about every movement from 1987 through today. Do I collect classic rap albums (or iPod catalog them)? Nope. Do I follow less-than-mainstream to “underground” artists? ehhh…Not really. I pretty much listen to what I like and observe the rest: always have.

You should note that I’m not posting this blog out of sarcasm, but to actually find some answers and generate thought. Over the past 10 years or so, I’ve been in many a debate (mostly in barbershops, often over drinks, usually with people within 5 years of my age) regarding rap music; more specifically hip-hop, and even more pointed “real” hip-hop.

I don’t personally think rap music and hip-hop are synonymous…nor have they ever been. The latter, is a culture, who’s primary mode of communication is rap music: but also consists of art, literature, fashion, dance, and dare I say…a school of thought. But I digress: hip-hop is bigger than rap in my book. However, for the sake of this blog, I’ll presume hip-hop and rap music are interchangeable.

So, after countless confusing and often liquored-up debates I’m led to this conclusion: there is no such thing as “real” hip-hop; if there is, all rap music is “real” hip-hop and some of it is just obviously better than others. [Note: by “better” I mean, more skillfully crafted, more entertaining, more thought provoking, more creative, etc.]

Here’s why:

1- Subjectivity: Let’s get some obvious shit out the way first. Judging music is a matter of opinion and taste. So any concrete “criteria” set up would almost certainly be based on one’s opinion of what he/she thought was important. For example: I like dope production. But not every dope beat makes a classic rap song, or even get’s solid lyrics…it’s just a dope beat. Is there room in real hip-hop for lackluster lyrics, but dope beats? Who knows? I have yet to hear a concise definition of what “real” hip-hop is. Most people just list a bunch of artists/albums that they like, or a particular trend, or a particular era (most commonly late 80’s thru mid 90’s) and roll with that.

2- Underground rappers and niggas who just don’t sell records: I’ve talked to people who swear up and down that by naming a bunch of rappers that nobody but them has heard of that validates the existence of real hip-hop. No it doesn’t, that just means you’re way more into the music than everybody else. That’s cool, but that doesn’t make that underground cats you like “good” or “real”…it just means they probably don’t earn that much (it doesn’t make them less than talented either…everybody has to start somewhere). Now I’m not stupid, I know the terms of a record deal are negotiable and a savvy business-rapper can have a deal where he’s earning a lot of not that many sales. That being said, if you’re really that good…people should be consuming your shit. Even if you’re just getting downloaded a lot, or doing a lot of small venues…somebody has to like your shit and be willing to at least click “download” to hear it. And a lot of downloading is free…so if you can’t get people to listen to your music for FREE, we have to question its quality.

3- Hypocrisy: This ties into point one…but it’s a point that makes people defensive. Most people who I’ve talked to that claim to be hip-hop heads are heavily in favor of some movement/era in rap, and dead-set against another movement/era. That’s cool, but their justification for opposing one almost automatically makes them a hypocrite in supporting another. Example: I know more than a couple cats that believe all “real” hiphop comes from the east coast, specifically New York; and if it ain’t east coast…they won’t fu*k with it. This is usually the same type of cat that will defend a weak album/artist from NY, and ignore dope albums from the south and west coast. Same goes for cats who like lyrics. Ok cool, they have a right to oppose artists like Soulja Boy, Wacka Flacka, etc…problem is, these are the FIRST muthafu*kas on the wedding reception dance floor when the Kid ‘n Play come on. I wanna trip these niggas every time I see ’em dance.

4- Substance vs. Greatness: I’ll presume that an MC that becomes a legend automatically is “real”. If that’s the case, how do we determine who the great MC’s are? A lot of the detractors of newer rap artists complain that, quite simply, they ain’t tombout shit. And, I kind of agree. That being said, since when does not having a message disqualify one from greatness?? Exibit A: The Notorious B.I.G- legend. period. On everybody’s short list of greatest evers, and on many people’s list at the top. Let’s take a look at the substance in his body of work. Big rapped about: rags to riches (initially with dope…then rap), moving weight (after he blew up from rap), homicide, banging heaux (despite is unattractive appearance), tricking money (because he can), suicide (not sure why when it’s so dope to be him), and more heaux and money (and how those can create problems)….hmmmmm. Let’s be honest:: just about every whack rapper raps about the exact same thing as Big, just not as well/creatively. Which kind of makes substance a non-factor…especially when you factor in Jay Z, who picked up the torch of guns, dope, massive amounts of money, and heaux. (…and he’s also a legend).

Let’s re-cap: We’ll never be on the same page as far as what “real” means because it’s so subjective and quite frankly I could’ve ended my blog right there. There’s a bias in favor of less-than-mainstream artists that exists, that doesn’t equal them being real…only harder to find in record stores and on the internet. Everybody’s got their favorite type of rap, and shit they flat out hate…but within their favorite, there’s something, that by their own definition, they should hate…but don’t. And lastly, newer “whack” MC’s get accused of a lack of substance but there are great MC’s who rapped about the same shit and became legends….ummm ok. Bottom line, you just like what you like.

I’m sure there will be plenty of input about this blog, feel free to comment.

~El Jugo